My kids don’t make it very easy to love them. Come to think of it, not very many people I know do! But since my older two daughters have bipolar and ADHD, they top the list of tough-to-love most days. Considering there are others reading this site who have kids with similar issues, I wanted to share something that completely changed my relationships with them – my oldest in particular – for the better.

When she first came to live with me as a foster child, I had no clue about loving a hurt, mentally ill child. (Who does??) It was hard to connect with her, not just because she was grieving and suffered from post traumatic stress from all the moves she’d endured, but because no matter how much love I showed, she didn’t seem to get it. At a loss for how to overcome that, and because I’d read Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages years before, I started to try different love languages with her.

Dr. Chapman found, through his research, that people give and receive love in 5 primary ways, and each person “speaks” (or favors) one of the 5. He called these preferences “love languages,” and defines them as follows:

• Quality time – being with someone, with your full attention on them
• Words of affirmation – saying kind or empowering words to reveal support and love
• Acts of service – consistent willingness to help the other in their tasks and responsibilities
• Physical touch – affection, proximity and gentleness with another (sex is part of this too)
• Gifts – giving thoughtful, frequent (but not necessarily costly) gifts that show our care

It turns out my daughter’s love language is gifts. She gives elaborate homemade cards, flowers from the walk home from school, notes with pictures. She even takes forEVER to set the table for dinner because she specially folds napkins for each place setting. Learning my daughter’s love language was horribly awkward at first. (I had a score of 2 out of 12 for that love language on the assessment, after all!)

What kind of thing would she like? How often does she need to get gifts to feel fully loved by me? I wondered. She was only 3, and couldn’t tell me with words, so I was on my own to figure it out.

I struggled for a year or two, one day bringing her a shell from the beach, another day leaving a Hershey’s kiss in her preschool cubby. Some things worked well. Others bombed completely. I’ll never really know whether that was because she was just having a day of extra grieving from her loss or it was just a dumb way to speak “gift-giving.”

Its’ been almost 7 years since I began to learn her love language. Even though I still score like a gift-giving neanderthal (I took the assessment again today just to see!) giving her gifts is now as natural as breathing. My journey to learn her language is part of why she is no longer recognized as having reactive attachment disorder, despite all she went through early in her life. It is a miracle to behold the radiance in someone else when we take the time to love them in ways that are most meaningful.

Do you know your child’s love language? If not, it’s worth finding out. Save yourself years of frustration and take a moment to discover it with them. Check out Dr. Chapman’s site and take the quick love language assessment. I’d love to hear what you find out!

(Photo Source)

Although there have been a few high points, in some ways this summer has been a bit of a “crash and burn” for our family. Specifically, Michael came up against a couple of situations where he was being stretched farther socially and emotionally than he was ready for, and he rebelled big time!

During the school year, Michael had been attending a therapeutic after school program and was thriving there, partly because he had gotten into a good routine and also because he had become the leader within his particular group of kids. He had also been enjoying a weekly playgroup that is run by his psychologist, so we were feeling pretty confident about his progress.

First came the crashing…

As we moved into the summer, however, he started having trouble with playgroup. The psychologist had begun leaving the structure of the time up to the boys so they could learn to negotiate what they wanted to do as a group. This worked well for a few of them, but Michael started exhibiting all sorts of avoid and escape behaviors during the sessions.

Followed by the burning…

Then it came time for summer camp, which was basically an all day version of the after school program he had done so well in. However, the adult to child ratio was a bit higher and there were more kids who had more advanced social skills in his age range, so Michael was no longer the top dog — and he didn’t like it!

Again, the behaviors escalated with each group activity they were asked to participate in, and Michael wasn’t able to control himself, even with the wasted time being taken out of his playground or pool time later in the day. By the end of camp, I had to drive him as he wouldn’t even get on the van.

I shared last week about the struggle just getting to the psychologist’s office and am happy to say that we were able to go in for an individual session with her on Thursday. It turns out she has been planning to start a different group for the boys who need to have a more structured environment so they can work on interpersonal skills at a more basic level, and she and Michael agreed that he should give it a try.

And now it’s time to regroup…

Michael is very happy to be back at the babysitter’s now that camp is over, and I am looking forward to our vacation so that we can all relax a bit before jumping into first grade.

Part of this “regrouping” process for me has been to look at ways to simplify my schedule and commitments for the coming school year, and, sadly, one of the things that I need to say goodbye to is my place on the team here at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.

It has been such a joy to be part of this amazing group over the past year, and I have been blessed by each one of you who has challenged, educated and encouraged me along the way. I look forward to continuing as part of the wonderful community that has developed here, just from the other side of the page (or the post, if you will).

So, how was your summer?

As the host of Try This Tuesday for the last year, Trish has been honored to share some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. You can follow her on Twitter or visit her blog at Another Piece of the Puzzle.

I am so proud of myself and my husband today.

Often, when Michael has a meltdown or is throwing one behavior after another at us to either get what he wants or avoid something he doesn’t, one or both of us lose our cool – either with him or with each other – in the process.

But not today. Today we were calm and supportive and truly worked as a team.

Here’s the short version of the story:

Michael did not want to go to playgroup at the psychologist’s office this evening. They had two weeks off while the therapist was on vacation, and he claims that I told him he didn’t ever have to go back if he didn’t want to. (Not true, but I think he really convinced himself it was.)

There was also some ranting about how he “never” gets to watch his favorite PBS Kids show, how I hate him, how he hates me, etc, etc.

After several minutes, I had coaxed Michael downstairs and into his socks and shoes, been kicked twice, gotten him out to the car but not in it, and was blocking him from running away from the car. At this point, Michael had switched to crying about how he was too tired to go anywhere and needed to go to bed.

I was calmly repeating my mantra, “Get in the car,” between outbursts from my son, when Bob pulled up and saw what was going on. He came over and asked Michael what was the matter, listened to what he had to say, and after trying a couple of different directions, hit the jackpot by suggesting to Michael that he go with me to the therapist and let her sort out who was right.

I can’t promise that we will be able to do this every time, but I think we are on the right track. It really comes down to putting Michael’s behavior in perspective to his developmental level and not feeling that one or both of us has failed because he is acting out. Once we let those feelings in, we’ve lost the opportunity to turn the situation around and bring some good out of it.

So, what happened later?

Well, Michael did not actually go to group. When I got to the office, I asked to speak to the psychologist ahead of time and together we decided to switch to individual sessions to get Michael stabilized before school starts.

Part of the issue is that he knows these social situations are stressful and doesn’t want to whine and argue, but doesn’t know how to stop himself. So he does whatever he can to avoid the situation. I guess I would probably do the same thing in his shoes.

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle.

Nothing earth shattering going on around here except that in that past week, my son has ingested three servings of blueberries. Pretty amazing for a kid that had declared a ban on all fruits and vegetables and would cry at the request to try even a new variety of candy.

I have seen a greater willingness to try new foods over the past few months and decided I was going to start pushing fruits again to see what would happen.

So I put a few blueberries (seven, to be exact) on his plate with lunch the other day. He was upset at first but then agreed to try one in exchange for one of his favorite candies. He ended up eating all of them in exchange for additional candy.

I offered them again at dinner and he said he would eat them if he could have more candy. I agreed, and down the hatch they went. The next day at lunch I asked if he wanted blueberries again, and he accepted and ate them without even asking about a treat.

Of course, I was very calm and just went about my business, but inside I was doing a little happy dance!

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle.

Today I am really looking to you for your creative solutions. Things have been very up and down with my son this summer, with one day going beautifully and the next a disaster.

Although he is not what I would call a “runner”, i.e. a child who escapes at any opportunity without regard to his safety, he does sometimes run away from me when he is angry and could potentially get hurt or lost if he went too far or too fast. This happened one morning last week, and I am sharing an email I wrote to a friend asking for her advice in hopes that some of you will have ideas as well:

I’m really having a hard time figuring out whether I should take Michael to our planned outing tonight or not. He ran away from me this morning when the van came and I am still pretty upset about it.

Part of it is my fault – he turned the TV off at 8am but then asked to watch a Baby Einstein DVD in his room. I first said no but then he said he would just watch whatever he could until the van came, so I said okay. When the van came and I called him downstairs, he got very upset and was crying and refusing to come. He finally came down but when we left the house he took off down the street.

I called for him to stop but he didn’t, so I took off after him. When he saw me coming, he started running faster, so I stopped and yelled “Now” really loudly. He stopped and then burst into tears. I carried him back to the van with him crying about how I yelled at him like a monster.

I know that from now on everything has to be turned off at 8:00 no matter what, and I might even make us wait outside so he doesn’t get involved in something, but I’m not sure if I should also cancel tonight. Part of me feels like it might get his attention that he can’t run away like that.

The other part of me thinks first that I should have known better this morning, and also that he won’t really make the connection and it won’t have an impact on his behavior, except to make him angrier in general. Do you think changing the morning routine and being firm with it is enough of a response?

Looking back, I recognize my mistakes in not maintaining the structure needed in the morning and in not keeping a hand on him as we went outside, since I knew he was upset and could be unpredictable.

But I’m not really sure of the best way to handle the times when he does run off and how to get across how important it is that he stay with me, especially in more public places. I would really appreciate any thoughts on what to do in this situation.

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle or Autism Interrupted.

Today I wanted to share another great online resource that I have heard about recently, called VideoPlaylist.org.

Here’s the basic concept of the site, as stated by the founder:

Does anyone else use YouTube videos with their ASD kids?

We use YouTube videos with my son both as reinforcers and as a self-guided leisure activity. The actual YouTube website was too difficult for him to use so I made him a little web page with links to his favorite videos. He watches various short Disney and Dr. Seuss videos, etc.

It worked so well that I created a little website where anyone could create their own YouTube playlist. I thought it would be useful for the general SPED community (and for anyone else who wants to make their own video playlist).

I checked out the site for myself and found it very easy to use. After quickly signing up for my free account, I was able to search for my desired topic of YouTube videos and view/select them right from the search screen.

In addition to adding videos to your playlist, you can organize them within categories which you create. You are also able to personalize your playlist page by changing the colors and fonts and even adding a background image.

There are a variety of other options, including such useful things as limiting the number of times a video can be played in a session and even setting a time limit for how long the session can last.

What a great concept and user-friendly execution! I think my son will actually enjoy putting together his own playlist (under my supervision, of course, so that we stay on the more appropriate parts of YouTube as we look for his favorites).

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle or Autism Interrupted.

Over this past weekend, my husband and I spent many hours rearranging and decluttering our home. We made some good progress and ended up with a number of items to sell and/or give away. Once we realized that a yard sale was going to be too much work for us, I decided to check out Freecycle for the stuff that was still usable but not really worth selling.

It turned out to be a pretty easy process. After locating the correct group for my area and joining, I was able to quickly move out several things, and I have really felt good about passing some items on to people who could use them. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has used stuff to pass on or is looking for something another person might have to give.

But that’s not the coolest thing that happened from joining Freecycle this weekend.

Today I saw a posting from a mom whose child was recently diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder and who was looking for a small table to use in his therapy, along with any toys or sensory items people may have. Although I didn’t have the specific items she was looking for, I immediately replied to offer her a few items I do have that we aren’t using any longer. I also was able to let her know about the parent group I am involved with locally and offer to send her our Parent Information Booklet.

As good as it felt to clear some clutter out of my house, it felt even better to connect with another parent who is starting out on her journey with autism and to hopefully encourage her just a bit.

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle or Autism Interrupted.

I recently heard about this cool website called OTPlan (Occupational Therapy Plan) from a member of my local ASA chapter and just had to share it with all of you.

What is OTPlan?

In their own words,

The concept is pretty simple: OTPlan is an activity idea and treatment plan search engine. The site matches the skills you want to work on, with the materials you have, to a detailed treatment activity that will help you strengthen certain skills. Each activity details the purpose, materials needed, process, rating for the activity, and comments by people just like you.

When you first go to the site, you have the option to start choose the skill you want to work on, the materials you want to use, or view the entire list of ideas. There is also a search box to go straight to what you are looking for.

I chose the Finger Strength skill and then selected Beads as my material. This gave me a list of several activities, including a neat one called Feed the Ball, where you cut a slit in a tennis ball and then have the child squeeze the ball with one hand to hold the slit open and pick up beads, beans or coins and put them in the ball with the other hand.

Another great feature of this website is the community involvement. You can rate each activity as well as leave comments for them, and you can even suggest your own activities to be added to the site. All submissions are reviewed by a registered and licensed Occupational Therapist to make sure they are appropriate before being added.

Check it out and let me know what great activities you find!

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle or Autism Interrupted.

We can spend so much time thinking about our kids’ needs and just getting through all our daily responsibilities that sometimes it can all be a bit overwhelming. So when I recently read this post about how Storm from All Things Cherished keeps herself from being overwhelmed, I immediately knew it fit into the category of “solutions that make life easier.”

Every Day is a Good Day
by Storm

Let me share with you a strategy I use to avoid being flooded with feelings of gloom, depression, and fear.

Every day is a good day. But when I’m experiencing a day full of frustrations, I try not to call it a “bad” day, I call it an “interesting” day. This habit keeps me from being overwhelmed with negative emotions. Why does this work?

Repetitive thoughts and words create feelings. Those feelings create a positive or negative behavior pattern. If I tell myself it’s a bad day, I begin to feel defeated and exhausted.

If my day has one issue after another and I tell myself it’s an “interesting” day, this keeps my heart and mind open to gratitude, hope, solutions, resiliency, and sometimes even a sense of humor. I try to monitor my words when I’m feeling in a slump so I can avoid those “knot in your stomach,” stressful, anxious, sickening, “I’m losing it” feelings.

I have had several “interesting” days recently and I had to constantly remind myself to stop, do some deep breathing, and regroup. If you’re having an “interesting” day, let these words minister to you.

Sometimes the children are screaming, the boss is irritating, the traffic is slow, and the bill collectors just won’t go away. Sometimes you feel strong and confident. Sometimes you’re full of regrets and wonder where all the time went. Sometimes you feel like you want to give up. Sometimes you’re too tired to move because you have so much to do. Sometimes you’re lonely and wonder if love will ever come. Sometimes you’re glad to be alone to think your own thoughts. Sometimes life is easy. Sometimes life is hard.

Today be grateful that you’ve come this far. Breathe in peace, faith, and hope.

All the answers, I definitely do not know. But I’m here to say…

Storm is a proud single mother to three wonderful children (1 gifted, 2 special needs; 1 boy, 2 girls; 1 foster, 2 natural). You can visit her blog at All Things Cherished.

What do you do to handle an “interesting day”? I’d love to hear what works for you when you are feeling overwhelmed.

And if you have a creative solution, product or idea that you would like to share here, please email me at trish(at)anotherpieceofthepuzzle(dot)com.

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier. She blogs at Another Piece of the Puzzle or Autism Interrupted.

Welcome to Try This Tuesday! Cale from Spectrum Siblings has been doing a series of posts on the topic of sex education with a teenager on the autism spectrum, and he is sharing his final installment with us here today.

I’m curious what other parents of teenagers and young adults on the autism spectrum have handled this topic and what has worked (or not worked) for you. What tips would those dealing with other special needs add to or change from this list?

10 Top Tips for Talking to Your ASD Teen About Sex
by Cale

1. Put it into the schedule: If you pull your kid aside during his scheduled computer time, he will spend the entire time thinking about his game, and none of his time listening to you. Try something like: 6-6:20, Mom talks about topic of her choice. This protects privacy, keeps the conversation timed, and offers your tween/teen the notion that you will be talking about something he might not be interested in, but he should listen anyway.

2. Have the conversation at an optimal time: Just after school, when stress is still running high, or just as meds are wearing off, or right before the bedtime routine are all bad ideas. Think about when your child will be most receptive and plan for then.

3. Keep the conversation at their level: If your child is still using words like wee-wee, don’t use scientific terms to describe the body parts. Since the goal is understanding, confusing your child more by using words he isn’t familiar with will only make things more difficult.

4. Be more explicit then you think you need to be: Remember that most of your sex ed. probably came from your peers and using context clues in other people’s conversations. This is probably unlikely for your child, so you may need to add explanations you didn’t include for your neurotypical child.

5. Emphasize privacy of information: Tell your child he shouldn’t fear to ask you questions, but that dinner time or while babysitting younger cousins is not the appropriate time. Perhaps develop a code-phrase which will indicate to you that he wants to talk about a private matter.

6. Emphasize privacy of the body and its functions: Be very detailed about the privacy of the body. Explain that even if others are doing it, it is not okay to touch a girl’s body in public, especially without her consent. Also explain that you never talk about masturbation in front of other people.

7. When explaining consent, go beyond “No means No.”: Most girls are far more subtle then simply saying “No” in a loud clear voice like the movies and health classes suggest. Subtlety is not the Aspie’s forte. Explain terms that girls might use (”I have to wash my hair”) to let a guy down easy.

8. Use special interests to your advantage: Depending on your child’s special interest, this may require some creativity. If your child is interested in cats, watch a few videos of cats mating on the internet. Look for similarities and differences in the ways cats and humans mate (This would be an excellent time to bring up the issue of monogamy).

If your child is interested in movies, watch a few movies with them that include a romance. Try to find examples where the guy did the right things (bringing flowers, complimenting her, waiting until the right time), and ones where the guys did something wrong (pushing her, manipulating her, continuing without consent).

9. Discuss time lines and patience: In most movies, the characters go from meeting to sex within one date. Explain that this doesn’t happen in real life, especially for teenagers. Ensure your child knows that it might be several dates before he even gets a good-night kiss.

10. Don’t think one conversation gets you off the hook: The birds and bees convo is not one you only have once, especially with an ASD teen. This is a ton of information to take in all at once, and the combination of non-attention and slowed verbal processing means much of the information will go in one ear and out the other. Try and bring it up at least once a month, so the info stays fresh.

Cale is a college student majoring in Behavioral Neuroscience and Social Psychology who has also been diagnosed with Asperger’s as a preteen, Sensory Processing Disorder as a child, and Tourette’s Syndrome more recently.

He talks on his blog about what it means for him to be autistic, how he copes with some of the more difficult aspects of this neurological organization, and resources he has found useful. You can read more of his thoughts on this and other topics at Spectrum Siblings or follow him on Twitter.

We have decided (for a variety of reasons) to stop putting up a Mr. Linky on this column, but we would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Please join in and share your opinion in the comments. If you have a creative solution, product or idea that you would like to share, please email me at trish(at)anotherpieceofthepuzzle(dot)com.

As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier and invites you to do the same. You can also find her at her blogs, Another Piece of the Puzzle and Autism Interrupted.