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Try This Tuesday #24: 1-2-3 Magic
Over the years, I have become quite disenchanted by typical parenting and child discipline books. A lot of this had to do with the process of learning where my son was developmentally and how to communicate clearly with him so that he would understand what was going on around him and his part in it.
When I first tried things like time-outs and even just saying "No" to him, it seemed to go right over his head. It wasn't until he was about four years old that he got the concept of being in trouble for something, and by that point I was so overwhelmed learning about autism and how to get him to communicate that I fell behind in the area of discipline.
While I'm sure this could have been implemented earlier (the author, Dr. Thomas W. Phalen, recommends his methods for children with a cognitive age of at least 2), we are definitely at a place now where Michael needs to learn that he is not in charge and that you have to follow the rules. His psychologist recommended 1-2-3 Magic.
I had heard of this method (after all, who hasn't counted to three with their kids?), but wasn't really sure of the details, so I picked up the book and read through it. The thing I found most helpful was his discrimination between stop behavior and start behavior. If the behavior is something you want the child to stop doing, it can generally be done very quickly (no whining, turn off the TV, don't tease your sister) and you use the 1-2-3 counting procedure with a timeout if you get to 3.
If the behavior is something you want the child to start doing, however, such as cleaning their room or sitting at the dinner table with the family, he provides several different motivating techniques to use. I was happy to see that we already do several of these, and some of them are actually in Michael's IEP at school.
The other thing that has helped me with the method is the idea of minimizing talking and emotion during discipline. Although it can be hard to do, it actually feels really good to at least be in control of myself during this whole process. I have some kinks to work out in my follow-through, but I have seen some good responses, both to the counting and to having to take a timeout. I'll keep you posted on how it goes!
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Trish can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Friday in addition to hosting Try This Tuesday. You can also find Trish at her blog, Another Piece of the Puzzle.
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Comments on Try This Tuesday #24: 1-2-3 Magic »
Cale @ 12:39 am
We were never really fans of 1-2-3 here. Maybe because Mom would always extend it out to 2 and a 1/2, 2 and 3/4, etc. so we'd never actually get in trouble.
So since time wasn't an effective counter, we'd usually do a warning system. You got 3 warnings, and if by the 3rd you hadn't responded you got sent to your room. Which was effective until Carl got video games in his room and I got a computer. Then they'd just take away stuff.
Another Piece of the Puzzle ยป Try These Resources @ 1:01 am
[...] Try This Tuesday at 5MFSN today, I wrote about my introduction to 1-2-3 Magic, which is a parenting/discipline [...]
Maddy @ 1:22 am
I think I've probably read every book on the market [yes,I do have a tendency to exaggerate] however, I think mine more or less boils down to persistence and consistency which does eventually work. The main difference is the marathon nature of the venture. Whilst the average child will respond in a week to ten days, with mine it's usually months and sometimes years.
At the same time, because I know it's probably going to take FOREVER I generally don't too upset about it as I know I'm in for the long haul.
Best wishes
Barbara @ 10:17 am
Amen to Maddy's comment for what is common and difficult in parenting and increased for parenting a child with special needs. "persistence and consistency" Doing the same thing over and over for long periods of time is wearing. "I'm in for the long haul" is the kind of commitment it takes.
Like Trish said "disenchanted" – another challenge is to decide who to listen to – sometimes only to be told later that the "magic" technique is no longer used by anyone else, or "magic2" is on the market.
The circle of support and information provided here is wonderful. Thanks to everyone at 5 minutes for special needs for helping so many parents and children in 2008.
Alicia @ Experiencing Each Moment @ 10:46 am
That book sounds great!
I completely agree with Maddy, and was quite discouraged in my early years as a mother (lol-I've only been a mom for 5 years). But when all of us were having babies, toddlers, and reading those books I kept thinking, "Okay, I've done this the same way EVERY TIME THIRTY TIMES, why isn't it working." I've come to the same conclusion. Other parents will see their children respond w/in a few days or a week, but I have to realize I'll see the result next year (if I'm lucky).
It reminds me of God telling Moses to go to Pharaoh. Moses asked how will they know that it is you who have sent me. God told him that once they were in the Promised Land (after the whole thing was over) they would know.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) @ 12:06 pm
I'm a HUGE fan of Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
I remember when Janice first was given a copy of 1-2-3 Magic by a friend and she was really excited about it too. She wrote a post about it at 5 Minutes for Mom.
http://www.5minutesformom.com/48/timeouts/
It is interesting to hear people's different opinions on different books and discipline ideas. I find that some people don't like 1-2-3 Magic and say that a child should behave immediately and not be given warnings. I do tend to agree, but I will admit that lately I have also been counting to 3 sometimes with Julia and each time it has worked.
But again my overall approach tends to be http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Trish @ 6:03 pm
Thanks so much for your comments and to Susan for the Love and Logic recommendation. I agree there is no "magic bullet" – it is more a matter of figuring out what works for you and then sticking with it.
And having a place like this to share ideas and encourage each other for the journey is truly wonderful!
Try This Tuesday #35: Disciplining Your Child @ 11:33 am
[...] actually posted about this topic previously, right after I started using 1-2-3 Magic with my son Michael (age 7). There are many different [...]
rickismom @ 7:14 pm
I definately have found pro-active rather than reacitive works better.I think that there is a need to have MANY tools in your "basket", and use the technique that fits the child/situation….