I am tired. There’s no way around it. I’m running on fumes, and staring down another day where I need a full tank. What to do?
Short term: suck it up, push on, just do it.
Long term: not sure.
Seriously. Every week I make a list of what (ideally) needs to happen. I plan which activity will fill which day, recognizing that some tasks are fixed (get the child to gymnastics) and some are ongoing (fold the laundry…again). Regardless the list is always long, and there’s no problem filling up the days. In reality most days there are two or three important tasks that don’t get done, or at least get put off. Sleep has been trimmed below minimum levels, and even when I’m “resting” I’m busy doing something (usually writing related) unless I am actually asleep. If I catch up on one area I usually fall behind on another. None of this is exceptional, probably, to anyone who is reading this. I’ve been on this treadmill for about three years, and there’s no sign that the pace will let up anytime soon. I figure one of two things is going to happen: my capacity to “do it all” will increase or I’ll figure out which tasks need to be handed over to someone else, somehow, even though at the moment there doesn’t seem to by anyone to hand them to.
The problem is there is absolutely no margin to fall back on. I’ve learned how critical it is to have some leeway, some reserves, so I don’t just feel tired, I feel vulnerable. If it were just myself at risk it wouldn’t even seem quite so scary, but my daughter could potentially pay the price as well.
So here I am asking for input. What do you do when you find your plate too full? How do you trim your to do list? How do you keep going when there’s more to do than there is of you?
Gosh, I can’t tell you how relevent this is to me right now. I’m kinda on the hamster wheel, too. And there’s no getting off.
I honestly go into what I call, “Survival mode.” Meals because REALLY lame and easy, we skip tons of stuff we “should” do but just can’t. THe laundry gets washed but not folded (I’d rather pick out of baskets). I do the bare minimum around the house. And, I ask others for help. I get someone to watch the boys so I can clean for an hour. Or run errands I need to run. I do everything I can do while they are at school. I barely make it.
The other day I almost posted on facebook to see if someone wanted to come have a laundry folding party with me. I would’ve promised to pay in hot cocoa and hugs, but it sounded kind of lame…for some reason I resist that not folding things idea…maybe because the dirty clothes already sit around in baskets and I’m not so sure my clan would be that good at keeping the dirty and the clean separate.
There’s something I’ve had lots of experiance with!! I still can do that. Give me a call!
I’ve got four girls, three with special needs, so I have to be really careful and keep track of when I’m even approaching running on fumes (which doesn’t prevent me from doing it anyway sometimes!) For me, life happens best with a helper for a few days a week in the afternoon/homework hours. She pays for herself since I can then grocery shop without kids tugging at me (creating impulse buys!) and I use more coupons, cook with my crockpot instead of going out to eat as much…. she literally pays for herself. I recommend getting a helper to everyone I know with special needs kids. It will give you your marriage back, and your sanity, and your sense of rested, peaceful state of mind.
Last spring we had a “daddy’s helper” once a week while I took my daughter to gymnastics. She played with the twins while he worked. It made things a little easier for me because I didn’t have to haul them around and disturb their nap schedule. Unfortunately she’s not available this year and I haven’t had time to find another. The money is another issue…unless I could prove it helped me save money other ways (doubtful since we’re already pretty tight money-wise)…
I do not know your entire situation so it is hard to give ideas on how to help. Here are some thoughts after reading your post:
How much pressure do you put on yourself to get it all done? Make sure the expectations you have for yourself are not too high.
How can you develop a support system? Neighbors and friends can take the place when family is far away.
Are you getting all the help you can from county, state and federal areas? Does your daughter have a case worker to help you find this out.
Pay yourself first otherwise you will not be good for anyone, especially your daughter. Pay yourself with sleep and quiet time for yourself. It will help you figure all the rest out.
And in the end, you are doing your absolute best, you obviously care and love your children – just do the best you can. Frozen dinners and unfolded laundry will not be what your kids take away from their childhood – it will be their mom who they knew loved them.
Thanks, Vanessa – yeah we don’t qualify for any social supports because our daughter doesn’t fall in the lowest 2%-ile, which is the standard for our state. I do have high expectations for myself…and can’t quite decide which ones to give up on. That is definitely a big part of the problem.
Sometimes you have to push back and un-commit. Here are some other ideas:
1- Seek help from friends and family
2- Get an aid to help with some of the tasks (I love this one because the state pays for it)
3- Cut back on the extra curricular stuff. I know you want to have well rounded children but what good are you to them if they are all recreational and you are exhausted? Just a thought to consider.
I think I’ve lowered my standards quite a bit. I skip so many things now that I used to find non-negotiable. Just this week, I was put behind in my daily routine by a snow-induced AM traffic snarl, then had 2 morning appts. and a social worker coming to my house for her yearly update visit… I used to cringe at the thought of possibly reading something about an “untidy” home in a written report, but I let it go this time. I sat the SW in my kitchen while I prepared dinner and put together 2 pies, letting her see life as it really is, un-vacuumed floors and all. When the short bus delivered my daughter home from school, my daughter proceeded to immediately dump out her toys and the video cabinet, eclipsing the prior mess. I still hope I don’t see that written up, but I don’t really care as much. Hygienic conditions in the kitchen and bathroom are about all I can muster at the moment. And that will just have to do.
I wish our state would help us with a aide. In Ga they don’t want to pay for any thing. They always say you make too much money regardless of how little you do make.I pushed myself into a complete breakdown about four years ago and now I do what I can and the heck with the rest.My kid’s come first and I do what I can for the rest of the stuff.I do have piles all over my house but since no one sees it but us,I really don’t care anymore.
I second the un-commit. If it’s short-term, you can grit your teeth and get through it, but too often we just pack something on to the end, and end up doing way too much. I don’t know your whole situation, either, but I can say that if it has to do with kids’ activities, they’ll be perfectly fine without doing much. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to make our kids’ lives as rich and their experiences as varied and well-balanced as possible, when what they really need is childhood, and we end up stressing ourselves our to keep the schedule. Again, I don’t know that that is your situation, but having kids with special needs just ups the ante on all that.
I don’t think we have too many extra-curricular activities. We only do gymnastics during the week (which I view as poor man’s O/T), swimming on weekends (ditto), and girl scouts once a month (for social). I do a lot of school volunteering because I value that. I do a lot of church volunteering because we attend a small church and it’s the only way I can make it work for my daughter. I work for my husband in his home business (honestly this comes next to the last on the list) and then I try to keep the dishes and laundry done and the toys confined to the playroom. It may be the cooking/shopping that takes up too much time…so I’m working on ways to streamline that. I think it’s just life with 3 small children, one with special needs.
Thanks for all of the ideas, everyone. Food for thought, to be sure.
I guess when I get tired I remember that my children are learning a lesson from that, too. We all get run down at times, and have to be patient with each other when expectations aren’t met. My kids learn to help pick up the slack if they are able, just as I help them when they need it. The world won’t end if everything doesn’t get done, so I focus on the priorities, and take a break when needed.
We’re there! Hang in there!! I’m trying to cut back in ways I can, but it isn’t easy…..
I think you speak for us all! I keep getting excited about catching up in one area, only to realize all the other areas are going down the tubes…
People say it’s all about priorities – you make time for what you prioritize. Right now, I’m focusing on a handful of New Year’s resolutions, but the house is becoming chaotic as a result. I just make sure I do a load of laundry and a load of dishes each day, and try to ignore the rest…
Wish I had something for you, but I’ve got the same questions!
I can totally relate. I have been sleep deprived for the past month and there are so many things that I need to do. I’ve found that a mid-day caffeine fix helps and so do nice hot showers. You need to take a few minutes for yourself to re-energize. Then figure out what needs to be be done right away and put off what doesn’t. That’s what works for me.
OMG. I’m just happy right now knowing I’m not alone. I can’t get anything done. How do clothes multiply? Under no circumstances can you get sick then in just an hour things are 10 times worse. I do my best not to feel like a failure but there are days. I make lists but then I lose them. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Yeah – you’re not alone. None of us are. I haven’t been sick in a long time (good thing) it’s just not an allowed state. I shake in my boots every time my kids get sick…and wash my hands non-stop.
I can probably understand better than most the particular brand of ‘tired’ you’re feeling. I also had a autistic child with twins born right behind (19 months behind to be exact).
I very clearly remember trying to get it all done back when my kids were younger. I was miserable being focused constantly on that endless to-do list. A couple of things I did that I found helpful were:
- I narrowed my daily house chore list to 4 tasks. Anything else that got done was gravy.
- I made a ‘quitting time’. No matter what else was left on the to do list, I’d stop working and do something I enjoyed for a specific block of time each evening after the kids were in bed.
- I gave the kids chores. Even my autistic son was able to help unload the dishwasher, move clothes from the washer to the dryer, help set the table or bring dirty laundry to the laundry room.
Oh girl – HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKS so much for sharing your heart and your time here at 5m4SpNeeds!
For me, I just have to let things go. I don’t get everything done. I do as much as I can, and then I hope for grace for what I didn’t get done!
I have a nanny now so that I can get help w my youngest and have my housework done. My son requires so much time and energy with his conditions and then working pretty much full time, I just have to bite the bullet and have help even though that means all I earn goes to that help in this short season of our lives.
But, for my sanity and so that I can spend quality time with my kids, I had to hire help. Otherwise I would have had to quit working altogether! I just can’t keep up on my own. I don’t have the energy that some women do.
But so much is left undone – there are boxes of clutter stashed in every closet and crammed in the garage. There is unanswered mail, undone chores, and so many emails and posts I never get to write.
But I am doing my best. That is all I can do.
And I must let myself get the rest my body needs. So on weekends, my husband and I swap naps and I sleep in too. So that is when I recuperate from the madness of my week. Often I will sleep 12-14 hrs on Saturday or Sunday if I have been working till the wee hours all week.
THANKS again for all you do. And please, take the time you need to look after yourself.