November 21, 2008
Acceptance Is Not Submission
This quote recently popped up in the little quote of the day gadget on my desktop and stuck in my head:
"Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it." Kathleen Casey Theisen
Not too long after entering the world of special needs, I was amazed to see the level of animosity between various groups within the community. Although for the most part other parents were supportive of each other and willing to help in any way they could, there were definitely those who seemed to be pushing their own agenda.
The first issue that came up for us was whether or not to pursue dietary and biomedical interventions. From one side, I was being told that following this path was the only way to give my son the chance to recover fully from autism. Other people told me that I had to let go of my prior expectations for my son and embrace the reality of his disability.
My response was (and still is), “Why can't I do both?” Why can't I learn as much as possible about how to love and support my son where he is while also trying to help him overcome the challenges that he was facing? Why can't I look into all the different methods and theories out there and see which ones seem to work for my son and our family? Isn't that what all parents do, after all—care for their children as they are while still trying to help them be the best that they can be?
The next argument that I became aware of was on the topic of inclusion. There is a group in our area that is strongly against anything less than full mainstreaming in regular education classes for all students with disabilities, while there are also many parents who have fought their school districts to have their children placed in one of the several schools for autism that exist here.
My question for the first group is why it has to be all or nothing. Can't we just support each other as we try to find the best situation for each child? For my son right now, that means a regular education kindergarten class with special education services and supports, as well as a social skills after-school program in a small, restricted setting. (On a side note, Michael actually feels more freedom to be himself in the “restricted” environment.)
For another child, the answer may be different. But isn't the answer also different for typically-developing children?
Maybe this issue doesn't really affect you; perhaps it's just that I need to develop a thicker skin and ignore all the controversies. I know I have learned more about making my own decisions and following my chosen path without worrying about what other people think in the last four years. Here too, I am working towards a balance—being comfortable with the decisions I have made for my son while also continuing to engage in the bigger conversations on these topics.
Trish can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Friday in addition to hosting Try This Tuesday. You can also find Trish at her blog, Another Piece of the Puzzle.
Filed under Advocacy, Dealing With Public Perceptions, Trish by Trish
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9 Comments on Acceptance Is Not Submission »
#1 - Another Piece of the Puzzle » What Is Acceptance? @ 9:05 am
[...] For more, visit 5 Minutes for Special Needs. [...]
#2 - Barbara @ 9:20 am
Well said. Better than me - I've posted on 'acceptance' a couple of times, but darned if I can figure out 'trackback'!
I encourage parents to make decisions for their children that feel right for them. But we all feel the 'parent peer pressure' for our decisions.
Do you ever wonder if the parents who are rigidly in one camp, pressing others to join them, are just expressing their genetic portion of the spectrum?
"But isn't the answer also different for typically-developing children?"
Yes. And parents of typically-developing children have to rely on self-confidence to implement their decisions also.
#3 - Cale @ 12:19 pm
I got into an interesting conversation about this topic in the comments section of one of my blog posts on neurodiversity.
http://frogger11758.wordpress.com/2008/11/13/112/#comments
(I can't figure out external trackbacks either).
The way I see it, both opponents of and supporters of biomedical treatments (or insert therapy here), have the same goals: doing what is best for the child, and making the child as independent and capable as he can be. There is simply a difference in approach, and in ultimate goals. Biomed claims to cure autism, ABA and such claim to assist an autistic child in adjusting and becoming competent.
As an autistic individual, I have nothing against parents using biomed treatments (except for harmful ones such as chelation) to help their child. I am simply against the notion that they are necessary to cure the child and make them neurotypical, rather than allowing the child to function as an autistic individual.
On your second question, I've blogged about the whole scholastic system as well.
http://frogger11758.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/aspie-academics/
I found a system similar to the one you've chosen for your son to be useful: a mainstream program with supports, and a class once a week designed specifically for Aspies. This was ideal for me, but I understand that it may not work for all children. I think parents should have the right to look around and find what's best for their children.
That turned out quite long, but I wish you success in whatever you proceed with.
#4 - Stacey @ 5:13 pm
I am so glad that I got to read this post,
I also feel that any and everything that can be done to help our kids — be their best is my Goal!
#5 - Trish @ 1:10 am
Barbara, feel free to email the links to me at trish[at]anotherpieceofthepuzzle[dot]com; I'd be glad to read more on the topic.
Cale, I appreciate your input and will visit your posts soon.
Thank you both, & Stacey as well, for your thoughtful comments.
#6 - Julie @ 3:41 pm
I love that quote…as I still find myself struggling with finding a balance between acceptance and intervention. This topic is so hard. I guess I simply don't believe in a cure, but I want to help my son be the best person that he can be. I want him to be happy and to thrive. I guess that's what every parent wants for their child.
#7 - Rickismom @ 5:21 pm
There are so many paths, so many ways…. I always tell new parents that they will get pressure from here, there… and they ashould check things out, make a choice, and pray to G-d that He them success in whatever it is that they choose……
#8 - Ecki @ 9:28 pm
Thank you for this post! Oh, I got so irritated on a list, because some mom was feeling badly for all those "low functioning" kids who would be so much better if only they did (fill in the blank). HEY! My kid is "low functioning" and I do all that "stuff" so don't assume I'm not doing "enough" because my kid isn't doing as well as YOUR kid.
And don't get me started on inclusion. Eeesh. Yes, my daughter is doing wonderfully in an integrated preschool, but our elementary school is woefully inadequate for her when it comes to Kindy. So I'll be putting her in a special needs school. Because it's right for HER. My kid is NOT an ambassador for special needs. She's my kid!
OK, vent over.
#9 - Trish @ 11:12 pm
That's so true - we have to make decisions based on what we feel is best for our own children. And it is difficult enough to know what those choices should be without feeling pressure or judgment from other parents.
The trick is to live like you've got nothing to prove.