November 13, 2008
Losing My Religion
When I was younger I was, what my wife refers to as, “a searcher” - one who is looking for a spiritual meaning of life. I was looking for answers to how I fitted into the universe and in what shape or form a god, if s/he existed, might take.
There were plenty of religions out there (including in excess of 30,000 forms of Christianity alone), most telling me that theirs was the one true path. And when I asked how I was to know theirs was right and the others were wrong, it usually ended in either, “because our holy book/ prophet says so” or “you must have faith”. Never one for trusting authority, neither of these answers appealed.
So I read widely, questioned frequently and debated incessantly with anyone willing to engage. I returned to education in my mid twenties and spent 4 years gaining a philosophy degree, at the end of which I was no closer to any conclusions, but I did have a far better understanding of how people can make false arguments sound very convincing.
All this changed in the months following the birth of my daughter, Meg, nearly 11 years ago
Meg was born with Down's Syndrome and I would find myself biting my tongue when people would say things like, “God gives special children to special parents”. I’d know they were trying to put a positive spin on things, and so would just nod and smile, but internally I would cringe. These days I’m far more likely to challenge that assumption and gently point out, if this is so, then it makes no sense He would give them to so many people (somewhere between 80% and 90% according to current statistics) who abort them before they have a chance to live.
Now Meg was born with a hole in her heart. The first few months of her life were a struggle as we fought hard to feed her (she would frequently take over one and a half hours to feed, and would need to be fed every three hours, yet would throw up about every third bottle) and give her the strength to live. At 5 months old she had to have open-heart surgery and we had to face the very real possibility that our little girl could die.
At this point, more than any other in my life, I called out for some kind of meaning, some kind of support, some kind of sign or feeling that we were not on our own with this.
But what I got back was nothing, nothing at all.
There was no sense of a larger plan, that someone, or something, was looking out for us, that the universe cared in any way shape or form. All I felt was an overwhelming sense of empty randomness.
Meg might live; she might not. If she did then we’d be lucky, and if she didn’t then we’d be unlucky. It was as simple and straightforward as that. I felt no God; I felt no Universal Force at work; only blind chance. This was the point that I stopped searching; this was the point I lost all interest in religion.
Now Meg did survive, and has thrived since, but we were lucky. So many people are not.
If others feel the hand of God where their children are concerned, then I am genuinely pleased for them. I have no intention of trying to undermine any one else’s beliefs. But from my own experience and feelings, if He does exist, He has chosen not to make His presence known to me in any way that I would understand.
Please note: this is a personal view only and does not seek to represent the views of 5MFSN or any of the readers or contributors. I hope it might spark interesting and informed debate, but name calling or outright condemnation of anyone’s beliefs is unacceptable.
Kim is usually to be found at his own blog, Ramblings of the Bearded One. Although you will find tales about his daughter, Meg, under his "Down's Syndrome" category, you'll find far more simply under "Fatherhood"
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9 Comments on Losing My Religion »
#1 - Brandi @ 11:29 am
I’m sorry to hear that.
Humbly I would like to say that I do feel the presence of God in my life, and I can’t imagine a life on this earth without it. I loved God and knew his love for me before I had a child with special needs. It was a love that was exciting and fulfilled my mind, will and emotions. I needed him then as my purpose for life, my savior and provider. I was already a mother of four very young children so I needed him as a sanity keeper as well.
Then we had our fifth child and our life has never been the same. At seven weeks old my son Miles died in his sleep. As me, my husband and children were decorating our Christmas tree just a room away from him he died. After decorating the tree and getting the kids to bed my husband and I decided to watch a movie that I had rented earlier in the day. We sat down to watch it, and the only way I can explain it is that we both felt like we should go to bed right away instead of watch the movie.
Before I got into bed I checked on Miles. My husband, Randy was right beside me. When I saw Miles he looked strange to me. His body was stark white and his face was buried into the bed. I nudged my husband to make sure Miles was still breathing. I didn’t really think anything was wrong with Miles, but when Randy lifted Miles and rolled him over there was no doubt that there was something terribly wrong. His body was a whitish gray and was totally limp. He didn’t have any breath. He was dead.
Immediately Randy laid him on the floor of the bedroom and began CPR on him and I called 911.
When the EMT got to our home they were able to resuscitate him. No one knows how long he had been without oxygen. I do know that the Lord directed us to find him in time to be saved. Why didn’t the Lord show us a few minutes earlier so he wouldn’t have died in the first place? I cannot answer that question.
Because of the lack of oxygen to his brain he has severe brain damage. That was four years ago this month. In the last four years I’ve felt God’s presence more than ever. I can’t imagine having a special needs child and not feeling the love of God in my life. I don’t know what kind of wreck I would be. There have been so many surgeries where I’ve had to hand over my son to someone in scrubs without a name and somehow there’s been peace in my heart. Where does peace come from in such an unnatural situation? My peace comes from the Lord. Then, my son wakes up from these surgeries and somehow he finds a smile to give me. Where does his joy come from? His joy comes from the Lord. How does he endure all that he endures in his small body? The Holy Spirit is his comforter.
I won’t win a theology debate with you.
I commend you for being able to get a philosophy degree. I took a philosophy class when I was actually pregnant with Miles. My brain hurt so bad that I had to drop the class.
I don’t have all the answers. I won’t have all the answers, and that’s kind of exciting to me because I’ve always been a girl that likes surprises. I can only tell you my experience, and that is I’ve felt and known the love of God for a long time. It’s an all encompassing thing. I also know that love is not only for me.
#2 - Sheri Rouse @ 12:10 pm
For me, my faith is more about knowing it than feeling it. Looking for signs never works, but looking for the beauty in everyday. You said it yourself, Meg survived and thrived since, maybe it wasn't just luck. You asked, and there was your sign.
I always have to remember that God works in His own timing not mine and even though I ask for an answer doesn't mean I have to like it.
My issue with religion is the crazy wacko followers, not the one who is followed, but that's a comment for another day . . .
#3 - jollyholly @ 12:45 pm
I know you said you are no longer seeking, but for those who may still be…
I had similar doubts and confusion about who God is as a result of the suffering I see all around me and I personally found the book "The Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer to be an emotionally and psychologically stimulating answer.
#4 - Stacey @ 3:32 pm
I love the Lord and I really feel like he wants me to go through all the up's and down's life has to offer, so that if I haven't learned the lesson, I will– and if I have learned this lesson, then thru me other's will learn.
Very often, I have thought back on ways I handled a situation and I have seen it in new eyes–
I choose to believe that the more situations we have, the more we can expand on our learning and showing others' that The Lord is Good.
I choose to believe that every good thing is from the Lord and the bad stuff is to show me that the good– is AWESOME~
We aren't perfect, but HE IS, and I choose to follow Him to find that peace I know is there.
And even when we are at our lowest,
he is still there~
anyway, thanks for letting me share my 2 cents–
I hope only to add to the discussion
~ not offend!
#5 - Tammy and Parker @ 4:13 pm
Kim,
Wow. What a post. Thank you for opening up your heart.
While I agree with the whole 'special kid-special parent' stuff, I have to also say that I believe in a person's free agency.
God may choose to give someone a gift, but they have the choice to accept it or reject it.
While God may have seen their potential to be up for the job, they have chosen not to accept the offer.
So I disagree with your logic there.
Without the power of prayer, and my faith I simply would have shriveled up and lost my mind these last few years.
But everyone's experience is different.
I know that I only receive answers when I am humble. When I remove myself from the equation….my wants….my control, and open my self up.
And often answers are as subtle as a feeling of peace.
I challenge you not to quit searching. Keep your mind open. Pray.
And remember that the Spirit may not always appear logical…..if that makes sense.
I know that there have been times when I could logic myself pretty much out of anything.
I'm typing while trying to pat Parker's butt to help him fall asleep.
#6 - Jeanette @ 10:11 pm
I guess my website name states my position on Faith and religion, DownRightFaith. Although I was raised in the church, I didn't "find" God for myself until I was an adult. I went through many trials of several different natures, none of which I would have chosen. I never blamed God or was angry at him, I just didn't see him in any of it. That is until a few years ago when I discovered that I was supposed to have a relationship with God not just hang out on my own and go through the motions. Once I did, I finally found Peace and Joy, something I have searched for in many other places. Although my life didn't get easier, as a matter of fact it got harder, I have maintained my Peace and Joy that I found in my Savior. Because of this, I have never walked alone again. I spent the first almost 30 years of my life in charge. When I took the backseat to God, my life finally opened up.
My daughter was born with DS just over a year ago. My life absolutely changed the day we got the prenatal diagnosis. That is not a tragic thing, quite the contrary, it has blessed me more than I could have imagined. Yes, I have heard all of the quips about God only gives people what they can handle. (BTW, NOT in the book.) And all of the other things said with the intent on comfort. They are human coments by people who are human in nature, not God's words.
We all have different paths, challenges, and experiences. All I can attest to is what I have experienced, and that is since I opened up to faith and found my path with God, my life has been filled with a Joy and Peace that I NEVER knew before. It prepared my for my journey as a parent of a child with special needs. I am NEVER alone, and my daughter, my two other children, my husband and I are all walking in faith. I wouldn't survive otherwise.
#7 - Kim Ayres @ 6:51 am
Thanks to a everyone for your comments. Perhaps at a later date I'll do a post specifically asking how people's faith or belief systems have been affected by their child(ren)'s condition(s).
#8 - Rickismom @ 8:10 am
For some reason I had trouble getting on "5 minutes" for quite a while. So that's why I only answered now to several posts.
Kim, first let me commend you on your courage.If G-d would be available to be seen/tested, there would be no possibility of "free choice" (if everyone who smoked a cigarrette dropped dead 10 minutes later, NO one would smoke…..). Who says G-d is willing to mess up his rules of science and nature for whoever asks.
I think much more important is for each of us to search out the "image of G-d" within themselves (G-d created man in his "own image") ("own image" not being a physical, but a soiritual component)— and to use that to help make this world a better place.
#9 - Kim Ayres @ 9:49 am
I guess one of the difficulties here is that everyone who has commented here is already a believer. As such, the comments come from an angle which says, we believe there is a god, and if you pray you will find him too.
But my starting point is not one of belief. When I was looking, when I wasn't looking, I found nothing out there that spoke to me. So why should I have faith in something I have no evidence exists?
Part of the point I was making in this post, is if you have enough evidence to satisfy you, then I am pleased for you. I do not even an smidgen to satisfy me, and that was accentuated when my daughter had her heart operation.
This is not to take away from your belief, only to try and help you understand why I have none