"The Sibling Problem"?

I'm an Aspie sibling (currently 19) of an autistic/developmentally delayed brother (currently 25). As a child I had a tough time understanding why my brother got special treatment (didn't have to help with housework, wasn't held to the same standards of grades, etc). I resented the difference in standards between us, but I never resented him as a person. One thing that helped was that my parents tired to give us each an equal amount of attention, so that neither of us felt like the "more loved" sibling.
Now that I'm older, he and I have a much tighter relationship, and the former resentment of the special treatment has faded as I've come to see that his needs and capabilities are different from my own. I do think it has made me a more compassionate and understanding person.
The book "The Normal One" by Jeanne Safer offered an interesting take on this relationship.

That really is an unfortunate title. I have an older sibling who is disabled and it was tough growing up. It is just a part of life though. I did have to grow up faster but I would not change a thing.

As a sibling of a special person myself, I would like to second Cale's comment. I haven't read the book he mentioned, but I know that meeting and talking with others who have siblings like mine was absolutely amazing for me. I would certainly encourage making books and support groups and resources available to the sibling if s/he wishes to use them.

Wow, thanks for linking to that article. It really hit home for me.

My 7 year old daughter Laurie has PDD-NOS, but that's nothing compared to her 4 year old sister Kayla who has Down syndrome and severe autism.

I posted the following on my blog during a bath time conversation:

And then last night while giving Laurie a bath, she says "If I had one wish (I'm thinking she's going to say something like "get an iPod"), I'd wish that Kayla was smarter so I could play with her like a regular little sister. Because every time I try to play with her she pushes me away." Broke my heart, I just wanted to cry. Of course, I had to be all upbeat and give some examples of how they "play" together. But I knew exactly how Laurie felt.

And then another time Laurie asked me if Kayla's brain was missing because she was talking to a girl on the bus and somehow that came up. After a panicked phone call to the principal, apparently Laurie was trying to explain Kayla to a girl on the bus and it just went completely over the girl's head. But I was proud of Laurie for trying to explain it.

She does get tired of it sometimes. They were discussing the election in school and I mentioned that Sarah Palin's baby has Down syndrome. Laurie just sighed and said that no one at school cares about hearing about that stuff.

I must admit the title didn't bother me as much. My oldest is 6 and is on the autism spectrum. My 5 year old son and 2 year old daughter are "normal".

I have seen MANY times how frustrated and hurt my 5 year old gets by my special needs son. Yes, they play together beautifully sometimes and have a wonderfully close relationship… but Aiden's difficulties have DEFINITELY altered the sibling relationship.

When my sons were younger my "normal" son Owen learned a TON of difficult behaviours from my older son. He would copy him and we had to find ways of helping him understand that Aiden's behaviour was not what we wanted him to copy.

Aiden has hurt Owen's feelings so very many times. Owen will want to play and Aiden will shut him out or freak out at him.

Owen wonders why Aiden has so much trouble at school and at church and in public.

Owen has been the brunt of Aiden's outbursts many times. He has been hit, kicked, yelled at, pushed, etc. many times and although I know siblings fight this was different. Owen wasn't fighting back because he had NO idea what Aiden was so upset about.

My daughter is too young to be bothered by much at this point but I'm sure she will have questions eventually too.

So yes, I HAVE found a "sibling problem" to exist in our home. No, it is not the biggest issues we have but it certainly is there.

My neurotypical child is now grown and out of the home. My 3 boys at home are each living with special needs. I have no idea how a neurotypical sibling would respond to them.

But we definitely have "sibling problems" of the non-neurotypical type.

Su is my middle child with and older sister and a younger brother. Her older sister has felt the sorrow of not having the sister relationship she would like and her younger brother has taken the brunt of some of her aggressive outburst…so yes, we too know the struggle of pain and loss that the siblings learn to overcome as they grow.
I really appreciated hearing the voice of the grown siblings in the comments here; what an encouragement your experience is to those of us still raising our kids!

I find it's harder now that the kids are older. When they were younger, Kit Kat adored her older sister and didn't really seem to see her differences. And because the Blue Jay was developmentally delayed (as well as autistic spectrum), they made pretty good playmates.

Now that Kit Kat is 12 and is so tied up in looking cool and how other people see her, she finds her sister much more of an embarassment. It certainly is an interseting, complex relationship. There are many times when Kit Kat expresses that she wishes she was an only child, that her sister gets all the attention and embarasses her and then other times (like at the Special Olympic games this past summer) when she was obviously so proud of her sister, so loving to her and so accepting, not just of the Blue Jay but of all the different athletes. It was really beautiful to see. Not that it lasted much longer than their return to school after the weekend though.

I console myself by knowing how much they both actually do love one another (even if one often does not show it) and with the idea that the Kit Kat will grow up to be a more caring, compassionate person for it all. God, I hope that will be true!

We don't have any NT children, but meeting each child's individual needs is challenging regardless. When Bitty was a baby, I felt so guilty whenever I had to leave him alone in his crib to attend to one of his brothers' meltdowns. Now that they're older, my twins, who are more at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum (Bitty's somewhere in the moderate range for now, who knows where he'll be as he gets older) have struggled with the their baby brother ignoring them when they try to talk to him. We have encouraged them to keep trying, and sure enough he is getting more responsive every day.

Each of them have their unique issues, and each of them have had to make sacrifices for the sake of one or both of their brothers at one time or another, but it's obvious that they all love each other, and I like to think that they will each grow up to be compassionate and patient as adults :).