Mean Girls

If you think she won't change, let it go for your own mental health. But that pain in a helium balloon and send it off (to G-d)

I would have to say SOMETHING. After re-writing this comment about 50 times, I can honestly tell you that I don't know what I would say, but I just wouldn't be able to let it go without explaining your dismay over the way she treated your daughter. I'm so sorry that this happened.

Knowing how I am… I think I would need to say something or do something once with the understanding that this woman will probably not hear what I have to say. There are two directions I might go: 1) say something that explains why it hurt and saddened you to know someone used the 'r' word when there is so much more to your daughter. 2) Hand her information that you write that explains Zoe or a pamphlet that is already created with just a "I wanted you to know more about my daughter so you won't feel the need to throw out the 'r' word so quickly next time."

After that… Yup. I'd put the pain in a helium balloon and send it off.

I agree with Rickismom - it was pointed out to her, she seems unconcerned - more lectures will probably not impact her, but they will get you worked up.

Maybe approach it from another angle. Do the other girls go to your daughter's school? Most of our schools do school wide programs on diversity and tolerance at some point during the year. Could you talk to your school's principal and school psychologist about the incident, how it impacted your daughter and your family? Maybe the school would be willing to add disability tolerance to their program. That way you could "teach" her children and maybe they will teacher her by their example. Or maybe the message would fall upon more receptive ears and some change would start to happen.

Oh my gosh! Yes I would talk to the mom. I probably wouldn't be very nice, though. You can either educate her and then chew her out, or just chew her out and hope your friend or another parent will educate her. If she's really unconcerned, then the education will be a waste any way. It boils down to good manners, and obviously she didn't see fit to use them with your daughter, or demonstrate them to her own children. How very sad.

A message that I'm learning in life is that we can't control the actions of others, we can't control how others see our children. The mature thing to do is let this woman live in her own little world, someday somewhere someone will put her in her place.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, and I have no experience with this. But at minimum, if she is going to have contact with your child again, tell her that she is not to touch your child!

As I was reading this I gasped so loud that my daughter asked "What????" I do not have a child with special needs but I have dealt with insensitive and ignorant parents like this. The fact that it was pointed out to her and she didn't "get it" proves her ignorance. However, she did touch your child so at that point, if it were me, I would feel the need to educate this woman on how damaging her comments can be and how it was inappropriate for her to touch your child. If she had an issue, she should have been an adult about it and simply talked to you. It's a shame that there's people like this in the world.

Maybe you could write a letter so you can say everything you need to, without being interrupted or without losing your cool. Just approach her friendly and tell her you heard about the incident at the party and you'd like her to understand what your daughter goes through and how she could best deal with this situation in the future.

I have to say I agree with #9. I was going to suggest writing a letter. Then you get to edit as needed, get all of your thoughts in one place, hand it to the woman, and hope for the best. I agree that her reaction is not your responsibility, but I still think it would do you good to get it out on paper (and maybe give her something to think about).

I am so sorry that Zoe had to experience this. There are so many different ways you could respond to this and there are a lot of great suggestions here already.

All I keep thinking is what an opportunity this is to show Zoe how to respond to someone who insults you and how to be an advocate for someone who needs it.

I wish you the best in dealing with this. Even if the woman involved doesn't ever "get it," maybe this will open doors to provide some education to a whole group of people.

I was gonna say exactly what Leila said. The only bad things with letters are that people can't hear your tone in them and your words can be misconstrued. But I would probably still head that direction.

There's that speech out there on youtube by the high school graduate about his special needs sister that I absolutely love. My favorite part is where he explains why he's giving the speech:

"I'm doing this so that each and every one of you, student or teacher, thinks before the next time you use the word "retard", before the next time you shrug off someone else's use of the word "retard". Think of the people you hurt, both the mentally handicapped and those who love them. If you have to, think of my sister. Think about how she can find more happiness in the blowing of a bubble and watching it float away than most of us will in our entire lives. Think about how she will always love everyone unconditionally. Think about how she will never hate. Then think about which one of you is "retarded"."

I think you should do something - even if it's just writing a letter to her. At least then you will know you tried. Your daughter is not the "retard" in this situation. Your daughter is closer to perfect than any "normal" person. It is those who don't understand that who deserve to be chastised. Not your daughter.

Good luck to you,
Teresa

Oh, my gosh. I have no idea. I think I'd keep it to myself and hurt and seeth inside. I hope you find a better way.

Thinking of you…

Your friend chastised the woman for her insensitive remark and the woman was unconcerned. It's obvious the woman is the "r" one here and let it go. Anything said to her would go over her head because she feels that she did not do anything wrong. If you do say something to her things might even get worse for your daughter. I run into these people all the time and I just think they will get their 'just' reward on judgment day.

I even had one of my son's teacher say to me once, "Why don't you take him to Johns Hopkins and get him fixed!"

First of all, I'm so sorry about the situation. I don't know how I would react. I'm such a mother bear and have ripped into people before, always over my Myah. The thing is though, every time I get angry and "put someone in their place," I am the one who feels worse. I don't want to give someone a reason to dislike my child eve more, so telling them off may not be the best response. I like the letter idea (that way you can edit while you are calm:). I've learned if I try to educate, rather than explode, I feel better, even if the other person doesn't learn a dang thing. I think there are some people who are just plain ignorant no matter what you or I do. Good luck!

First of all, this makes me angry. Regardless of if your child has special needs, she has not right to put her hands on your child, EVER!

I like Frog's mom's idea best. The letter idea isn't bad either, but I think it will only make you feel better, not really accomplish anything with her. Maybe, just maybe, she responded like she did because she was embarrassed for what she said and did. Maybe she's been thinking of it ever since and is getting more horrified of how she acted. Educating the school is always a good thing. Our children often show us ways to be more accepting and maybe her daughter will teach her. If not, she will have to live with her ignorance. It often amazes me how some women who call themselves "mom" can be so cruel and insensitive.

This made me sad and feel queasy. I would talk to her– but I am SO like that. I don't know exactly what was said to thsi woman already, but it si worth one more shot. Maybe explain to her that your daughter heard what she said and that it hurt her (THAT would be new information) because that word is not acceptable? I like the letter idea, but I agree that it is risky b/c of tone. I was going to suggest writing out what you would say ahead of time so you would be prepared & less emotional. If we get emotional people get defensive & stop hearing us.
PLEASE update us!!!!

P.S. This occurred to me as I was brushing my teeth- you can validate her some by saying you can understand why she was uncomfortable that a child was encroaching on her child's personal space. However you can also point out that
1. your child did not actually touch her child &
2. she could have handled the situation differently (like NOT touching YOUR child)

I wish everyone would stop using the word 'retard'. It is all over in movies and television shows. I can't stand it. If a friend or family member uses the word when we are around I ask them to please not use that word around us since it is cruel.