October 9, 2008
Filtering Friends
Does your child filter your friends?
I was thinking about this when considering who to invite to my birthday celebration in a couple of weeks. It’s not going to be a huge party - our house is not that big for one thing – but I don’t have a single close friend who doesn’t get on fantastically well with Meg.
All of them, without exception, talk to her, let her talk to them, smile, tease and make her feel important.
Unlike some parents I’ve spoken to, I’ve never had any people I know visibly baulk or show hostility or alarm, or say something truly offensive about Meg and her Down’s Syndrome to me. Sure I’ve had the occasional nazi rant in the comments on my blog (anonymously, of course), but the delete button is a wonderful thing.
Have I just been lucky that the people I choose as friends happen to be people who respond well to my daughter? Is it that my daughter can't help but make people smile? Or have I consciously or unconsciously just not allowed people who were anything less than relaxed with her to become as close?
Perhaps if I’m honest with myself I do use Meg as a testing ground for relationships.
Last night, for example, an old school friend who I’ve not seen for 27 years called by. We’ve been in contact via the Internet for a year or two and he was up in the area so phoned to see if I’d like to meet up.
When he arrived at the house he had flowers for my wife and bags of sweets for my kids. When he chatted to Meg about which bag she’d like, he treated her as he would treat any child, listening patiently, smiling and gently teasing.
He can come again any time 
Kim is usually to be found at his own blog, Ramblings of the Bearded One. Although you will find tales about his daughter, Meg, under his "Down's Syndrome" category, you'll find far more simply under "Fatherhood"
Filed under Dealing With Public Perceptions, Family, Kim by Kim Ayres
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12 Comments on Filtering Friends »
#1 - Trish @ 9:55 pm
Maybe you are the kind of person who attracts wonderful people!
I think I do filter friends to some extent. Even when people are interested, it can get tiring answering questions and explaining things about my son. I would rather spend the time I do get to spend with friends enjoying each other and having fun.
#2 - Julie @ 8:12 am
This is interesting and I know I'll be thinking about this topic throughout the day…
#3 - problemchildbride @ 10:20 am
Ever protective, ever watchful, ever a father. A very lovely post, Kim.
#4 - Lori @ 11:54 am
I love this post. I've had a few bad experiences with "friends" but for the most part, if they are truly my friend, they treat my daughter with respect.
From the little I know and have read from you, I'm sure your attitude about your daughter helps your friends feel at ease with her. Thanks for the insight.
#5 - Katie @ 3:17 pm
As I read your post I thought that I am much the same way, that all of my friends are so kind to my son. As I further thought about it though, I realized that there are a lot of people who were friends, and after My son came along they became "people I used to know" If they had a problem, or acted uncomfortable around Ethan even after getting to know him, I think I just subconciously let them go. There are so many haters out there that I have to deal with day to day, that the people who I choose to spend precious free time with need to be those who love and respect my ENTIRE situation. So yes, while I hadn't thought of it in those terms I do think Ethan is a friend filter, and one I am glad I have.
#6 - Eryl Shields @ 3:54 pm
My two closest friends are the people who on meeting my son, as a gangly rather shy teenager, talked to him about things that interested him. They took the time to find out what these were, and never once asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, which would have been the kiss of death as far as he was concerned. I think we all take to people who get on with, and like, our children.
Any one who doesn't immediately take to Meg, with her enthusiastic, engaged, friendly nature, has got to be a bit odd, surely.
#7 - Spring @ 8:29 pm
Thank you so much for writing something I've thought about. I think I filter my friends and at the beginning, some friends "filtered" themselves out because they couldn't deal with my daughter's mental illness. Haven't seen this discussed anywhere else though and sometimes it's great to see someone else thinking about the same things. Thanks.
#8 - debra @ 11:36 pm
I feel the same about my children. Those who talk to them like the vibrant young women they are,without, as Eryl says, asking them what they wanted to be when they grew/grow up, or commenting on how much they've grown. Thanks for a lovely lovely post.
#9 - Kim Ayres @ 1:17 pm
Thank you for your comments. It's interesting to see I'm not alone on this. And perhaps, as Eryl points out, it's hard to take a liking to anyone who doesn't show an interest in your kids, whether they have special needs or not
#10 - Attila the Mom @ 7:44 am
That's a good question! I never willingly hang out with people who make derogatory comments (you know what I mean—racial, sexual, etc), so we don't run into that much in our every day life. Maybe it's just one of those "birds of a feather" things…
#11 - savannah @ 9:31 am
always to the point and correct, sugar! i think attila the mom put it the best birds of a feather and to spin eryl's comment once more: love me, love my kids. i am so glad to know you! xoxo
#12 - Ronnie @ 4:09 pm
Lovely, thought provoking post,Kim.I suppose I have subconsciously done it as well,for Juliane as I would for my other children but be careful not to shelter Meg too much as she will meet all sorts in the future including those types, and worse, that you are sheltering her from at the moment.