My 17 year old son, Corey, has been gone the last two weeks working for the Youth Conservation Corps. He’s got one more week before he comes home, and as a surprise for him, I decided to clean his room from top to bottom. I admit that it was as much for me as for him, but still I think he will appreciate it. During the cleaning process, however, I discovered some unusual things.
Corey never throws anything away – anything – packaging, newspaper comics, candy wrappers, water bottles, even the broken recorder from 4th grade (he’s now in high school). Every school paper from the five years he has lived with our family was stuffed into a cabinet in his room. Doodlings from when he wasn’t paying attention in class were there also. And then there were lots of little unidentifiable things – pieces of other things I imagine. Is all this hording just laziness or some emotional damage from his past?
Corey spent the first twelve years of his life living on the streets of Baltimore with his drug-addicted, prostitute birth mother. I’m sure he had very little he could call his own during that time. He had to be able to carry all his possessions around with him at all times. Is that why now he doesn’t want to part with anything?
I don’t understand this, but I sure would like to. I don’t even know where to start doing research. Is this a question for our pediatrician, or should I get an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist? It hasn’t been a huge problem yet, and now I will know to do a thorough cleaning every so often, but I worry about when he graduates and moves out on his own.
Am I making too much of this?
Deborah can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Wednesday, and can also be found at Pipecleaner Dreams.
I would start by asking Corey when he gets home about his stuff, and why he keeps it. I would definitely be concerned, but don’t freak out too quickly
Definitely not worrying too much, though you don’t need to panic. If he’s already got a psychiatrist or a social worker who does therapy, you can make the call and ask about it, including how to approach Corey.
It’s possible that when Corey makes the move to college, it won’t be a problem. A lot depends on how he reacts when something gets lost or thrown away. If he can handle it, even if he grieves, that’s a good sign. If he really can’t handle it, he’ll need help with that. He may not even know he’s doing it, or exactly what’s in his room.
If you don’t have a therapist for him who specializes in adoption/attachment/bonding, then I would find one. It is an issue of his earlier life manifesting itself in his current life. However, I think you should be glad that it’s just stuff, and that you didn’t find food that old!
My 16 yr old does this as well and his doctor said we needed to work with him on letting go of stuff and on organizational skill’s.We got him a label maker,shelves and clear boxes and he is doing better with keeping his messes under control.
My daughter (6) does this, too. Just about everything she touches she wants to keep. The last couple of times that I’ve cleaned her room with her I’ve asked her to tell me if things are important to keep or not and she has let me throw some stuff away but I don’t think it would’ve occured to her to toss it herself. When she does lose something (today we couldn’t find her flip-flops) it is a major tragedy, so I try not to throw her things away without asking her first. Definitely something to work through. With your son’s background I would want some professional input.