October 1, 2008
Where It All Heads South
Last week Reed and I took Parker to get his monthly blood draws. Two results that always cause us to hold our breaths are his BNP and his liver function panel.
An upward trend in either spells trouble.
The next night Parker's cardiologist called to let me know that both values came back elevated.
I wonder if my neighbors could hear as my heart hit rock bottom.
I've had a few months of being able to live life without the fear of whether my kid is going to be gypped out of a normal life span. It's been nice not having to worry about stuff like this. The kind of nice that most parents take for granted.
But now the shadow has returned. The thought that you can never push back far enough has made its way to the forefront of my heart again. And it is making it hard to do anything but worry.
I've got the specialists circling the situation. We've upped Parker's trach size. We've tweaked the settings on his new vent. I'm throwing out the Nissen option again.
While trying to appear normal on the outside, "Oh, we're fine. Thanks for asking.", I can feel the cracks on my emotional facade getting wider with each passing breath.
I find myself trying to bargain with the universe. Hoping to find a means to reverse Parker's rising pulmonary numbers. I'll do anything….anything, I silently plead.
But on days like today, I'm not sure if anything will be enough.
You can also find Tammy and Parker hanging out at their other blog: Praying For Parker
Filed under Day In And Day Out, Tammy by Tammy and Parker
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23 Comments on Where It All Heads South »
#1 - Where It All Goes South — Praying For Parker @ 12:22 pm
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#2 - Ecki @ 1:03 pm
Tammy, my heart just breaks for you. I wish I could offer more than prayers and cyber {{{hugs}}}.
#3 - Kei @ 1:46 pm
oh, Tammy… Hugs and prayers my dear sweet friend. Many hugs and even more prayers.
#4 - Carol @ 2:12 pm
Sorry you had a bad week. Saying a prayer for Parker
#5 - Shannon @ Gabi's World @ 2:12 pm
(((HUGS)))
I will keep Parker in my prayers Tammy! Don't give up! I know your not, but just know we are all here when you just need to let it all out.
#6 - Melissa @ 2:44 pm
Oh Tammy… I'm so sorry. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Keep fighting. And if you need to break down and freak out, do it. You'll feel better. SUPER HUGE (((((((HUGS)))))))
#7 - Michelle and Elliot @ 3:06 pm
I wish that there were more that I could offer but long distance hugs and prayers. I'll light a candle at our Cathedral this week for wee Parker. We love Parker dearly!
#8 - Karen (Pediascribe) @ 5:36 pm
(((hugs))) and prayers from Florida. I'm not fully back on the blogging scene, but I had to pop in and check up on the Brave Hero. Wish I could hug ya and pray with you in person.
#9 - Melissa @ 6:10 pm
Oh Tammy - I so wish that Parker would catch a break. I'm so sorry and you all continue to be in my prayers.
#10 - Finding Normal @ 6:28 pm
You'll be in our prayers too, Tammy.
#11 - Kat @ 7:19 pm
Giant hugs, Tammy, to you, Parker and the whole family. There's nothing like "Mommy worry" and you have more than your share to worry about. That Brave Little Hero of yours, though… he's something else. Prayers will continue that you get the answers and direction you need to get Parker back on the track where he belongs.
#12 - rylie's mom @ 7:24 pm
Sending prayers and hugs.
#13 - Awesome Mom @ 9:17 pm
I wish that there was more that I could say or do to make everything better but I know there is not. Just remember that there are a ton of people out there praying for you and Parker!
#14 - Heidi @ 9:30 pm
I 'm so sorry. I'm glad you have someplace where you can say your frustrations out loud.
#15 - PsychMamma @ 9:48 pm
My heart is hurting for you. I know how it feels to be on the emotional precipice and I wish I had a magic wand to offer. It sucks. I know. A good cry, chocolate, hugs and kick boxing help me sometimes. They don't fix anything, but they lessen the inner panic. Hang in there. Thinking of all of you and sending hugs.
#16 - amy @ 11:09 pm
((HUGS)) Tammy..
I know that feeling so very well. I'm currently experiencing it with my son, who has been fighting his battle with brain cancer..and
I experienced it with my daughter, who had Down Syndrome and PPH and severe cardiac issues and passed away.
Life is such a precious gift..I treasure it..I really do..but I find treasuring something while I feel like I'm gripping it tightly in fear of losing it, is a hard thing to do in the day-to-day of life. It's like an awareness that underlies everything..that impacts my ability to enjoy it like I know I should.
I feel your panic and stress..I'm so sorry and wish I could give you a real hug.
#17 - Suzi Searles @ 1:49 am
Prayers are going your way right now. I'm so sorry to hear about Parker's test results. Don't give up hope, he has pulled through many tough situations already in his short little life, he's a tough kid!
Suzi Searles
#18 - Ann @ 2:04 am
Here's a big hug for you, Tammy.
{{{{{(((HUG)))}}}}}
That's scary stuff, having the BNP and liver function panel values rising, scary stuff.
#19 - MomOf3(4ToB) @ 12:42 pm
Praying very hard for Parker. May God bless this precious little boy and hold him in His healing hands. May God calm your fears and worries. And I pray that those numbers go DOWN next time. We are with you in spirit, Tammy and Parker! (HUGS)
#20 - sherrysshabbies @ 1:25 pm
Tammy,
My hugs to you and Parker. Great kid and super cute! Wish I could meet with you in person, but I'll just keep sending you my stuff. Another box is on it's way, filled with love from California. We're not all like Arnold, you know.
sherry
#21 - Kay @ 3:05 pm
((Hugs for all your family)) I sure wish I could change things.
#22 - Alicia @ Experiencing Each Moment @ 4:47 pm
I know my words sound hollow, but my heart does break for you. It's okay to hurt.
#23 - Mauzy @ 9:47 pm
Never far from our thoughts, and our prayers….