September 23, 2008
Where Is That Invisibility Cloak?
Based on my post of last week, many of you asked my thoughts on dealing with behavior issues, meltdowns in the public eye and when and how to inform other people of your child's "invisible" special needs. Today I begin writing about those and other topics requested. Comments remain open on that post, and I will continue to check them for future reference.
You are in a store with the kids. As a mom on a budget and with limited time, you're probably in a save-money-find-everything-you-need-in-one-stop mega store, and it happens. The meltdown.
Maybe it was the buzz of talking shoppers; or the hum of bright florescent lighting; or the stimuli of things and movement all around; or maybe he was hungry; or his sister looked at him. It really does not matter, the result is the same. Your child is in full kamikaze mode.
You stand there mortified, remembering that you spent what seemed an eternity getting your entire brood fed, dressed and out the door. Let's not even discuss getting everyone into the vehicle and safely buckled into their seats.
You are not about to abandon a cart containing the necessities to get your family through one more day of life. But he melts, and you are there facing those people…the ones who are looking down their noses and judging your parenting skills based on this one moment. Whatever your child's meltdown encompasses, the reality is…it is not pretty. And you see those people staring and shaking their heads.
The fact that your child is dealing with issues related to his special needs doesn't matter here and now, because none of the people scrutinizing you have a clue. They don't understand the sensory issues with which your child must deal or the fact he lacks impulse control due to brain damage. There you stand, feeling naked, exposed and mentally spent. You want to disappear.
What do you do?
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends…
* Use distraction. Interrupt the behavior by pointing out something or suggesting a new activity.
* Gentle restraint may be necessary if the child is physically out of control, and sometimes humor can be helpful. Making a silly face or singing a song has worked for some parents.
* Keep calm. It's hard to witness your child's anger, but if you get angry, it's likely to make things worse.
* If possible, stand nearby or hold your child until he calms down.
* Ignore minor tantrums; however, some tantrums cannot be ignored. If the child hits or kicks or in any way hurts anyone, throws things or yells or cries for a prolonged period of time, firm intervention is warranted.
* Remove the child from the situation.It is important to remember that the child feels very out of control and is scared. They need the adult to stay calm.
A calm, soothing voice with a matter-of-fact attitude will go far to helping your child feel supported.
I agree with all of the above. That is not to say maintaining your calm, ignoring the child's tantrum or getting the heck out of the store is easy…I'm just agreeing in theory.
At some level a parent does have to be aware that concern by other people might be an issue. In those instances when you have to physically, albeit appropriately, restrain your child, there is the possibility that a stranger might view the act as abusive. Try smiling at people and making a joke about the behavior…"don't we all feel like this sometimes" or "want to borrow a kid".
Plan ahead and take deep breaths. You know what situations are not a good fit for your child…avoid them if at all possible. Anticipate problems and have a plan. Above all, strive to remain calm. Chances are when you remain calm, you will be able to more quickly get a grip on the situation.
Now let me give you the advice which has served me well; remember what matters most…your child. How other people view you or your parenting skills is far less important than how you interact with your child.
Honestly, once you get over caring what other people think of you, parenting your child in the manner you know is best becomes much easier.
Frustrated parents, hang in there. Rumors are a Harry Potter-ish invisibility cloak is closer to reality than you might imagine. But move over…I am first in line.
Melody can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Tuesday in addition to hosting Special Exposure Wednesday. You will also find her at Slurping Life sharing photos and a few words from her special life.
Filed under Blog, Dealing With Public Perceptions, Melody, Raising Awareness by Melody
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16 Comments on Where Is That Invisibility Cloak? »
#1 - Carrie @ 12:28 pm
My cloak and I'm not sharing. Especially when your child *looks* old enough to *not behave that way*
#2 - Krystal @ 12:57 pm
We go through this so many times and with multiple on the spectrum, the stares just get worse and worse.
I don't know what is harder to deal with - the tantrums or the glares of disappointment and shock at what my kids are doing.
Heck, I even get these looks when they are being "normal" because their "normal" is not the same as every one else's.
#3 - Maddy @ 1:22 pm
Hmmm…..that's odd. I thought I was already here once this morning and I didn't see this. Where is my GPS?
Yes, I thoroughly agree. Remain calm to best assist child. It really is the only way. I can't say that I'm immune from the 'public eye' and would certainly benefit greatly from the invisibility coat. Until it's patented and available on-line, [or Target] I have an alternative approach and what's more it works!
Rhino hide! I never leave the house without it, along with my fake plastic Rhino horn in my back pocket for emergencies, so I can wave it at people in a non-threatening manner.
Cheers
#4 - Barbara @ 1:50 pm
I'm going to start calling you-two M&M for the deliciously sweet laughter you bring to me daily! [That's you, Melody and Maddy.]
You are the jam on top of life-sustaining bread for all parents!
And there is nary a parent who has not had a child, even an undiagnosed child, have a tantrum in public. You give perfect, perfect advice. I'm going out to buy my plastic deer antlers - know just where to get them - the save-wildlife-store in the zoo.
#5 - Casey @ 2:03 pm
That's great advice. Thanks! I think another thing to remember is even though there are some people who are looking at you and thinking your kid knows better or that you don't give your child boundaries, there are other people who are just thinking "I'm so glad that's not me right now" or "I know how she feels." Those are what I'm often thinking. With a 1 year old and a 2 year old, we have the potential to be quite the spectacle, so if things go well, I'm often just feeling so happy to have survived that if I do look at a mom who is dealing with a tantrum, my thoughts are more than likely sympathetic.
#6 - Stacy @ 2:05 pm
I've been there before with my kids who don't have special needs. Well, mostly with my son. When he was 1.5 he actually threw himself on the ground and purposely smacked his head on the concrete floor, giving himself a bloody lip. We left before CPS was called.
I know after reading your blog and on here I don't give the poor parents of the screaming child a downward glance. I just hope they find the means to control them, since I know when it starts…it is hard to stop.
#7 - Catherine Levy @ 3:27 pm
Wow, thank you SOOOOOOOO much for this post…I have these "meltdowns" quite a lot and it is nice to know that I am NOT the only one out there dealing with them. Although at the time when these "meltdowns" occur you are the only one usually in the store that is dealing with this situation. Anywho, I would love to see more posts sort of like this one :)! I must say though that my son's meltdowns are coming down in number since he has been on a restricted diet for 4 weeks now going on 5 weeks.
Hugs to all you other parents out there who are going through this too,
Catherine
#8 - Catherine Levy @ 3:27 pm
Oh yeah, I too want to get one of those invisibility cloaks :p!!
Catherine
#9 - Rachel @ 5:44 pm
This one is the zinger for me:
"Honestly, once you get over caring what other people think of you, parenting your child in the manner you know is best becomes much easier."
That applies to so many different areas of our lives! Even ourselves and our own actions! Thank you for reminding me. The decision to quit agonizing over other peoples' thoughts is so freeing!
#10 - Julie @ A Celebration Of Our Journey @ 8:34 pm
A great reminder- Thanks!! A friend told me once that people often watch to see the parent's reaction and I've found that to be true. Sure, a tantrum or really odd behavior can be kind of embarrassing, but my reaction to is can make a huge difference on how other people act towards us.
Remind me I said that!!
#11 - Tammy and Parker @ 9:00 pm
Dear Melody,
May I please, please send my Rigel to your house? You can send him back after college.
Lubs ya,
Tammy
#12 - Stacey @ 10:28 pm
This is A GREAT post, but then from a talented mom such as Melody… well, gee whiz!
Sometimes I wish that I could have a light that goes on over my head, so that people look at the light and not us, or at the child ,melting, melting into the floor.
I have found that if I keep my blood pressure and the tone of my voice down I can sometimes, minimize the meltdown–
I even once got a complement from a senior citizen ! He was so impressed that I didn't cave into my sons demands and bad behaviors!
Whooo Hoooo — that was a GREAT parenting day!
Sadly, it's been a while since that day!
#13 - PeytonsMom @ 12:58 am
Oh I've been there. I remember one day melting down in tears while Peyton just cried during some chemo-induced tantrum. I cried for the frustratoin of the moment and for the anger at not having a normal child that could get through ONE Target trip. A very sweet woman walked over to me and just put her hand on my shoulder and said "it's just one moment, it'll pass" and I remember her kindness more than any other glare or whisper. Her understanding meant the world to me on that day in that store.
#14 - Melody @ 3:03 pm
Thank you all for sharing the good as well as the not so good reactions you have received.
I needed to be reminded that most times people are empathizing with me over my theatrical little group's antics than are being condescending.
We're all in this together…the parenting gig…and we have to hang tight.
#15 - Nicki @ 11:08 am
I used to have lots of moments like that with the 11-year-old boy I did respite care for! In fact, a few times people even called security on us, and we got kicked out of places! How humiliating, right? But in the end, (as long as no civilians are harmed in the process) nobody else matters but your kid, your family, and you.
#16 - Danette @ 2:51 am
Where is that invisibility cloak when you need it?? I totally agree, it has been a matter of survival (mentally / emotionally) to develop a very thick skin. And thankfully this is no longer a several-times-a-day occurrence at our house, as it was for years, that helps too! I'd be lying if I said I didn't still get annoyed by people's rude stares or looks, but the truth is I am able to tune most of it out, and I don't let it bother me for hours on end anymore. As long as it is directed at me anyway. When that nonsense is actually directed at my kids, that's a totally different story - mama bear has a hard time letting go of the anger over that (but I do eventually).