Once upon a time, a long time ago, I joined a support group for mothers of young children with developmental disabilities. I’d never been the support group type, but figured I needed all the help I could get.
The meeting, led by a kind and Kleenex toting family therapist, was held in the gymnasium of a grammar school in a nearby community. The therapist invited each of us (there were about 10) to go around the circle and tell our names, our child’s age and disability. The first two women sobbed through their introductions, and the third, who like me had a son with autism, blurted out that her husband had just left her the week before.
“Let’s have a show of hands,” she said angrily, “how many of us are still married?” I was only one of two in the group who raised her hand.
“I heard the 80% of couples who have a disabled child split up,” the angry woman continued “I guess we’re proof.”
I was terrified.
I called my husband, Peter, in tears after I left the meeting. He told me not to worry-we’d be fine. “But I think it’s time you found a different support group.”
The years ahead did prove to be stressful, and there were times when we didn’t feel as connected as we would have liked. There were times when I resented him for not doing enough, and he resented me for trying to do too much. We spent a lot on therapies and treatment for Matthew and fought over whether we thought they were working or not (I said they were, he said not so much.)
We rarely went out together, and when we did, the babysitter often called to report “a little problem with Matthew.”
In the end, I think the reason we have stayed together was that we’re too busy keeping things going to think about how we could do it alone. We also loved each other and joked about what we would say about ourselves on a match.com profile, anyway.
“Citing autism as the reason for a marriage failing can be seen as yet another reason for saying why autism is so awful,” says autism writer and blogger Kristina Chew. She is a professor at Saint Peter’s College and the mother of a child with autism. “Life with autism has made Jim and Charlie and I, and Jim and I, a tighter unit.”
Still, the 80% divorce rate statistic myth is still floating around, but there doesn’t seem to be any actual research to back it up.
I did informal poll on my autism facebook forum. 65 of the mostly women responded and I found some interesting statistics of my own:
14 – were divorced or separated
15 – said their marriage was strained
16 said their marriage had been strained but was now but better/stronger
4 said that autism was a blessing and not a hindrance
2 reported feeling alone in their marriage
8 women worried about their autistic child’s relationship with their husband
8 said their sense of humor had saved them.
I know it has saved me.
How about you?
My personal rule is that when it’s laugh or cry, you have to try really hard to laugh. It’s saved me more than once.
This is a great post. Sure, having a kid with autism has strained my marriage, but so has having two typical kids and a dog. The cat litter box has probably done more damage to my marriage than all three kids combined.
Oh yes, but we make it because our children could not live apart from either parent. There is just no time to be selfish even if I want too. You just have to sucked it up and go on. Sorry so harsh. It all depends on what time of the day it is that I comment.
My son has cerebral palsy. He’s 5 and he’s our 5th child. Our marriage was already good before our special needs child, but it’s even better now. I have such a deeper respect for my husband now that I get to see him take care of our youngest son. We’ve gone through the ringer with all of our son’s medical problems, but we’re even stronger because of it, and with the Lord’s help!
Yes, our marriage has been made stronger, because of our daughter with special needs. But, it has also been made weaker.
We have had to dig deep inside ourselves in order to work together as a couple. We have both grown more than I thought was possible, in ways that I didn’t know existed.
We also have added stress, which gives us more opportunities to argue and hold resentment. Our marriage has been stretched so thin that I thought it would break.
We believe that we, and our kids, are better together, so we keep working together.
Great post. You hit home with the line, “There were times when I resented him for not doing enough, and he resented me for trying to do too much.” I think when the child with special needs is still young, that the newness of the strain wears on the marital unit (not the family unit). We are still in the strained era but we’re coming over the hump and we’ll make it despite the statistics stacking up against us.
BTW, if 50% of marriages fail all by themselves, that reduces the contribution of a child with special needs (or 2 in our case) to 30%. We’ve got 5-year-old identical twins with Down syndrome. And, like others commented, often the special needs make the family unit stronger. Maybe those who don’t call it quits right away, stay for the long haul… Admittedly, this life is not for the weak-willed! Sometimes I think my husband’s and my dedication to our family unit is because neither of us would ever want to be without these beautiful children on a daily basis. We go with it… Whatever it takes and whatever works!
I am not married but I can imagined it would be very strained.
I just started a Special Needs Weekend Carnival, please stop by:
http://knottyawetizmmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/weekend-warriors.html
Great topic! I’ve read a book, Married with Special-Needs Children by Laura Marshak & Fran Pollack Prezant. It was just what I needed about 3 years ago when things were tough between us. I think our son’s special needs has put an additional strain on our marriage, but I feel like we’ve gotten over a hump & we’re doing better now. Bottom line, I think dealing with this every day is hard, & when you want to escape it can be very tempting. Sticking together isn’t easy, but so much more rewarding & good for our son.
I believe its the humor that can so help. I guess we actually found a lot of humor since we have gone thru years of infertility and treatment, very premature birth of multiples and now fnishing up many years of special education and a ton of IEPS, etc. I think I’ve said this before too, being opposites pays off. I always worry and cry and he always thinks positive. Its worked for us as this summer it will be 30th anniversary. I also find that as my sons are transitioning soon into the adult world, knowing we have a strong family unit, I don’t worry as much.