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One Mean Mother
In my lifetime I have been referred to as one mean mother by many people…including my own mom…because they did not understand.
When our family was blessed with the gift of Wil through adoption, we were told to never expect him to walk, talk or have measurable intelligence. Clearly they were wrong, however, Wil did not overcome the odds against him without a lot of hard work…and one mean mother pushing him along the way.
At age one year Wil was a broken baby who was the physical size of a three month old and developmentally a newborn. Actually, he was developmentally less than a new born because due to severe physical abuse and neglect, he had lost the ability to suck a bottle or cry. He had nine broken bones which had never been attended to by a physician. His feeding tube had been yanked from his body by 'family'. His hair was falling out in clumps.
When not being beaten during his first year of life, Wil had been thrown into a dark corner, covered by a blanket and left to die. I cannot bear to tell you everything he endured. No doctor can logically explain how he survived.
After being hospitalized to stabilize his condition, Wil came to us drawn into a rigid fetal position. He made no sounds. He made no eye contact. He never moved any part of his body. He was dying from severe physical abuse, lack of nutrition and lack of love. While he would not make eye contact, I saw the beautiful child who lived behind those soulful blue eyes, and I wanted him to live. I knew he wanted to live.
So day by day, week after week, month after month the physical, speech and occupational therapists came into our home. The nurses came into our home to monitor Wil and teach us to care for him. We cautiously took Wil out into the world only for doctor's appointments, hospital stays and numerous surgeries. And I became a meaner mother than I could have ever imagined possible.
Wil was loved beyond measure and lovingly cuddled. His every need was met to excess, yet in order for Wil to progress, I could not coddle him.
When Wil cried for something…I could not give it to him. He had to learn to make a sound other than crying to get what he wanted.
When my hand lovingly reached for his face and he recoiled in terror, I had to gently touch the face that did not want to be touched.
Later when he wanted to get from point A to point B, I had to watch him struggle, hear his cries and watch the little tears roll down his thin, pale cheeks.
When he grew older and said the words, "I can't"…I had to tell him "you can" while watching him awkwardly maneuver new situations.
I had to be one mean mother. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was the best thing I could have done for Wil.
Last night as we tucked the boys into bed, prayers being said, oodles of hugs and kisses shared, I sat on the edge of Wil's bed. He looked lovingly into my eyes, pulled me into his embrace and whispered into my ear…"I love you so, so much."
I do not regret a single moment of being one mean mother.
Remember this happy ending each day you watch your child struggle…each time you want to help because it would be easier…each time you want to give up hope.
Life is filled with hope. Wil wants you to remember that. And so do I.
Wil would also have you know he likes cake, as evidenced by the icing on his face.
Melody can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Tuesday in addition to hosting Special Exposure Wednesday. You will also find her at Slurping Life sharing photos and a few words from her special life.
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Comments on One Mean Mother »
Krystal @ 12:20 pm
Mel – I have one thing to say from one "mean mommy" to another – you are not alone. Although my case is different than yours, I have to push them as far as they can handle and then push them a bit more because giving in will not get them to where they need to be.
I admire your strength and your love for your children. I cannot imagine what you have experienced and what your family has endured but I do want you to know that you are not alone!
Rickismom @ 12:38 pm
What a sad start and a nice ending. Yes, you can take the credit.
"Tough love"
Tough is only the adverb. The entity is love.
Carol @ 1:03 pm
Oh, Melody. I hear you. I see the looks I get when I am walking the oh-so-thin-line of taking care of but not taking-over-for my boys! From the outside, it looks like we are "mean" moms indeed. Thank you for a sweet reminder that is right the path…
And thank you, Wil! (I love cake, too, by the way!!)
Lori @ 1:36 pm
(sniff, sniff). What a beautiful post Melody. I can't imagine the things your sweet little Wil had to endure. I think God knew only you could be his mother.
I needed this post so much. I am tired of feeling guilty about the way I'm raising Myah. I love her more than life itself, but there are certain things I have to push her through. I can't "rescue" her out of every situation but I think some of my friends and family think I should. I know Myah understands so much, and I want her to have a quality life; sometimes that means being a "mean mother."
Thank you.
Amazing_Grace @ 1:42 pm
Wonderful story and you are a wonderful mother. It brought a tear to my eye.
Melody @ 1:43 pm
Everyone…exactly why I chose to write this post..too often we withdraw from the tough love path because of judgment from others. It is not easy having people, especially family, condemn you for your 'meanness'. But we have to remember…unless they walk in our shoes…
I'll take the happy ending (thanks to 'meanness') any day over possibly having a child who was not allowed to fail in order to reach his potential.
I always appreciate your thoughts…even if they may not agree with mine…so share away.
Leila @ 2:05 pm
Melody, you and Wil are heroes. And his eyes are so beautiful!
I want to adopt a child too on the next couple of years.
Melody @ 2:35 pm
Leila, you will be so blessed.
There is no difference between your love for a child born for you via your body and one born for you via another's body. I firmly believe the child you receive is your child from the day of conception…no matter.
Jenny @ 2:38 pm
What a beautiful, poignant, and inspiring story. Thank you for sharing about Wil's triumphant journey and your unshakeable love and commitment to him!
Stacy @ 3:02 pm
Wonderful picture of your beautiful Wil. You are such a strong woman, and again hearing Wil's story has brought tears to my eyes. I'm getting to the point where I can't handle reading the news. There are so many stories of parents abusing and killing their children. How can their hearts be so devoid of love?? I don't understand how someone can hurt (torture!) their own child. At least there are wonderful people such as yourself who truly understand what the word "mother" means.
Heidi @ 3:03 pm
Motherhood is not always what others think it to be. Excellent post, excellent mommy.
Kari @ 3:23 pm
Wow, I am not even sure I have words to say in response to this touching post. With tears in my eyes I can't imagine what this sweet boy has been through but also what a MERCY that he has a wonderful and loving family NOW….from the sounds of it, Wil couldn't be in a better place!! Thank you so much for sharing this and your heart and your precious son with us!
Christina @ 3:34 pm
Everytime I learn more of Wil's story, I am heartbroken and enraged and saddened. But even more than that, I am awed by how much he, at your urging has overcome. You are both heroes.
Sunshine @ 3:55 pm
Thank you for sharing. It isn't always easy doing what is right for our children, but it is worth it to see them flourish.
He looks like a beautiful boy who is very lucky to have a mother like you.
Meg Beverly @ 4:01 pm
Oh, this does my heart good! He is an amazing boy and your family gives him the ability to be that amazing every day.
I posted about the rewards of one of my own mean mommy moments today detailing my son's return home from a new special needs preschool. (I had fought to have him changed to this school). He's smiling and happy. And so am I.
Jen @ 4:54 pm
Hooray for Wil and hooray for you and heres to all the "mean" mamas out there. Your boys are so lucky to have you. I know you well enough to know that you would say that you're lucky to have them too!
I struggle with being "mean" at times. Often I think that so many things are hard for my boy that I just want to make things easier for him if I can. Sometimes the line between helping and hindering is a very thin one and I hate to admit or even think about how many time I have faltered.
Nicole @ 5:35 pm
Three cheers for mean moms everywhere! I tend to be your typical "helicopter mom" hovering and fixing everything….but I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to be a little meaner every day. Because I recently read a magazine article about "supermoms" who are still doing their college student's laundry and even negotiating salary and benefits for their kids and well that's just ridiculous!!!
And can't is a forbidden word at our house. I love when I hear my 4 year old tell his little sister "we don't say can't at our house." He's learning!!!
jollyholly @ 6:06 pm
What a beautiful inspiration your son is! And so are you!! Thanks for the very encouraging view from a little further down the road.
Shannon @ Gabi's World @ 6:45 pm
I am so glad you and Wil found each other. My heart aches at the thoughts of what he went through, I can only imagine how yours does.
Melody @ 7:11 pm
Each of you have touched my heart with you words of support and understanding. Thank you.
I believe Wil endured all that he has and will to serve a great purpose, and that part of that purpose is reaching out to others with lessons of perseverance and love.
And all the credit for all he has become goes to God and Wil…not me.
Trish @ 8:29 pm
Stacy said what I was thinking – I have been overwhelmed lately by all the horrible things that people do to children, and to each other.
But then there are the stories of being rescued and loved, like this one. Thank you, Melody.
PeytonsMom @ 9:17 pm
Melody, this is beautiful, and so so true. People could never get how I could still discipline or expect Peyton to do things for herself. But I knew that it would be worse for her in the long run if she never knew independence or having to achieve a goal.
Michelle and Elliot @ 11:15 pm
God love you!
Brandi @ 11:35 pm
Wow! Your son is so beautiful.
What an amazing story!
Love is a powerful thing isn't it!
Thank you for sharing.
Kristen@nosmallthing @ 5:46 am
Oh God, that story stuns me. I can't understand the horrors people can commit. Thank God he has you. And thank God you were mean.
I just burst into tears when I read what he said to you. What a lovely boy.
Carrie @ 11:14 am
I didn't comment when I was here last night because I read it and then had to read it to Kris, which in turn caused me to have to go read him the story about each of the boys…*hugs* to you and sometimes being a mean mom is the best thing you can do.
Katie @ 11:46 am
Our story seems pretty similar to yours. My son is adopted after three years of severe abuse and neglect, and I totally identify with a lot of the things you have had to teach him. Your post was very touching, and with the pressures and mean comments that people who don't know any better make, it's nice to hear that I'm not alone, and being a "mean" mom doesn't make me a BAD mom. Thanks so much for the reminder.
Rebecca P @ 8:23 am
Oh Melody, this is such a sad, yet amazing piece. Thank goodness for mean mama's like you.
Melody @ 6:44 pm
I've read each heartfelt comment…and I love the connections we are making. You're a great bunch of folks. (Yes, I am a southern gal.)
Julie @ A Celebration Of Our Journey @ 8:54 pm
Maybe you were mean…but you were AWESOME! Thank you for sharing your story with us- I had no idea. You both are an inspiration!
Kristie @ 11:00 pm
Love this post! From another "mean mom".
arizaphale @ 9:24 am
This is a universal truth Melody. I see you have your Flaming Sword well and truly in hand!