Comments on: Didn’t your mama tell you that staring is rude?

By: Janni

Janni — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 20:14:04 +0000

I so much appreciate reading other people’s experiences with differently abled children. It makes me feel less alone. I have two autistic daughters age 17 and 13. It has been a long hard road for me, but they have taught me so much. We have had our share of experiences with rude people and I have dealt with it well at times and not so well at others. The worst was when a woman knocked my daughter over with a shopping cart because she didn’t move out of her way fast enough (she also has physical issues). I had to stop myself from instinctively throwing a can of beans at her head as she walked haughtily away! Our kids are a great lesson in patience with them, but especially for learning it for other people.

By: tora

tora — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:35:01 +0000

hey, i’m a random lurker with asperger’s syndrome and some back problems… i just wanted to add that it is definitely adults that stare the most. i know other teenagers who are more polite than many adults. once, i was at the doctor’s office with my parents for my back problems. as we were filling out forms, a woman with one arm curled to her chest passed in an electric wheelchair. i turned to look at her, reminded myself not to stare, smiled, and turned back around. then i noticed that my mom, who is constantly yelling at me for not following social courtesies (she refuses to admit i have asperger’s) follow the woman with her eyes all the way down the hall. fortunately she looked away eventually because i was about to kick her. seriously, you’d think she’d never seen someone disabled before!

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:19:04 +0000

It’s also been my experience that kids stare. They do so even more blatantly than adults sometimes, but the kids don’t bother me. Well, they don’t bother me as MUCH as adults do, who should know better. Kids are just curious. They sometimes don’t know what to make of my son, who looks like a big boy but has infantile issues, like drooling.

By: KDL

KDL — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 07:35:12 +0000

It was recently explained to me that staring is sort of a primordial reflex similar to rubbernecking on a freeway when you go by an accident. It’s a self-preservation sort of instinct.

I beg to differ (a bit) that children don’t stare. At least in my daughter’s case they DO and always have, even before “we adults” figured out she was different, they knew. Part of it (I think) is an attempt to establish normative eye contact/social referencing.

Meanwhile my response is highly dependent on the situation. If we’re in the middle of a full-blown tantrum, nothing takes my eyes and attention off my child and what I’m doing to try to help her re-regulate. If people are staring I hope they enjoy the show because they’re not getting anything out of me. Children I don’t usually say much to unless they ask me a question, which I answer simply “her brain works differently from yours” or I redirect them to ask her (sometimes they ask me her age/name/what she likes as if she can’t speak at all…)Adults I usually try a friendly wave and smile. If they initiate a conversation I might explain more, but if not I just let it go. Generally if they’re staring there’s something going on that I need to be paying attention to.

A friend told me about some t-shirts that say, “I am autistic, what is your excuse?” (or something like that)…I’m keeping it in mind.

By: Colleen

Colleen — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:04:52 +0000

message to Mary S(commenter above)…I take so much pleasure in knowing that rude waitress was fired!

By: Colleen

Colleen — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:03:14 +0000

You know typically I would say Hi this is Kennedy she cant really talk, but loves to be talked to”, etc….

We attended a bday party a couple years back and Kennedy was sitting at a picnic table eating and 3 girls came up all together tilted their heads down to stare right at her….there were tons of adults around and not one said a thing…I finally blurted out that it was rude to stare and they all ran away. I was so ticked, not necessarily at the kids(although the oldest was old enough to know better) but at the adults that I found staring through out the day. We have never attended a bday party for that family ever again.

By: Hope

Hope — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:44:37 +0000

It breaks my heart usually. I don’t know why, but it does. I’ve been known to stare back at them until they realize they’ve been caught staring at my child. I don’t offer any info on Ava’s problems to rude people. I just walk away.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 21:01:08 +0000

I have to agree with Judy – we take our son to the playground and parks a lot and the kids never even bat an eye – it’s their parents.
Interesting…

By: Judy

Judy — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:04:52 +0000

Have you ever noticed that it’s the adults that stare and not the children? He’s 20n with down’s/autism. I took my kids to local playgrounds often. I noticed that kids playing around him never took a second look at him. They went about their business playing. Even when he was in High School and was in an inner city school where he was one of the only white kids with special needs, I never saw any of the other kids take a second look at him. It’s the adults that are confused.

By: Mary S

Mary S — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:30:15 +0000

I’ve learned to pretty much ignore those who stare unless they make rude comments.I had a waitress tell me (even after being told my boy’s are autistic)that if she took them that in a week they would act like different kid’s. I came back the next day and told the owner about it. He also has a special needs child and he promptly fired her because she would not apologize. We very seldom go out in public and I think a lot of other family’s are the same.