I’m at a birthday party with Max at a friend’s home. It’s really crowded and Max is darting around, uneasily. I’m trotting behind him in case he loses it but keeping a safe distance because I don’t want to baby him.
As I follow Max, I notice a few moms staring at him as he passes by. I mean, outright staring. They don’t realize I am with him.
I am so annoyed.
I want to say something, but I have Max to look after and it’s a birthday party, not a time to make waves. I could say something simple like, “That’s my son, Max, he has special needs” but I also feel it’s not their business. And so I just keep walking after him.
This happens from time to time; I’ve written about it before. The staring gets to me. More than the questions and the dumb comments. And it gets to me especially because these women are moms. Shouldn’t they know better than to stare at a child?
At times, I’ve said snippy things like, “You’ve got a problem?” At times, I’ve glared. At times, I’ve stayed silent and simmered. But I’m always unnerved by the stares.
What’s your typical response?
Ellen blogs daily at To The Max.
Photo by Bored2much/flickr
UGH!! I hate those moments. You feel so frustrated you lose your own tools to deal with your kid.. which in turn frustrates them! I have a special Sweatshirt and a t-shirt (i got from doing the Autism Speaks walk-a-thon) that has an Autism ribbon and logo… I wear it to any event. And its so funny that women don’t even know the cause but if its a Ribbon they are cheering you on… lol!
I hate those times as well. I am like you..sometimes snippy…
I will say to Joey …”oh Joey …that lady is staring. I bet she doesn’t realize you have special needs”. Or..” wow..Joey..that poor lady/man has never seen a child with special needs before”.
If he is yelling and having a fit..and people are staring..I just say again to Joey..”oh oh..people are staring at you”..
sometimes i glare back and see who drops their eyes first.
..
i want to kick some a** when that happens to us. But I realize that not everyone is used to seeing kids like T-man out in the world. I also say things like Lisa P. does and i also glare back.
But most of the time I ignore and just focus on my beautiful kid. Kristen
I don’t like the stares either, but I usually don’t get snippy because we ALL do things that irritate people. Yes, staring is inappropriate, but who hasn’t seen a child and wondered if his parents didn’t teach him better? I’ll be honest, I know I am guilty.
I always educate. I say, “This is my son Dustin. He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I apologize for his behavior, but he so loves birthday parties!”
That doesn’t mean I am never a little smart alec-y. Once a told a group of teenagers in a restaurant, “See! This is why you should not drink when you are pregnant!”
I have cards that I pass out that say, “I noticed you staring at my son. He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, meaning his birth mother drank while she was expecting him. He has organic brain damage. There is no safe amount of alcohol in pregnancy, please spread the word.” I have used this on many occasions when we are out to eat and when leaving I drop it on the table of those who were staring.
There is always a chance for educating. Maybe they really weren’t taught any better! We can save another parent from irritation.
To Lisa: love your solution!
To Kristen: what does that say about our society, that people aren’t used to seeing kids like ourse out in public? That’s probably the part that makes me the angriest of all.
But I’ve found that it’s simplest simply to open up and talk about it. It puts people at ease. Also, I happen to be sure, as objectively sure as a mother can be
that my daughter is beautiful, and that people stare because it never occurred to them that a child with Down syndrome could be beautiful.
Kathleen, you raise such a great point—why is it that kids with special needs are still a big deal in public? I love your take on people staring at your beautiful daughter.
Sheri, I admire you for what you do. I just don’t always feel like telling the world what Max’s condition is. Like Kathleen, I seethe about the point of it all, why must they stare?
I totally agree – why is it a big deal to see kids like ours in public? But in our area, we very rarely do see special needs kids. My husband and I are always so happy to see other families like ours. It actually puts a smile on my face when that happens.
and yes, telling people about our child and who he is always makes others feel more at ease. I am a big proponent of doing that. and people are always as kind as they can be when i do that.
My son appears NT, but long-term Epilepsy has taken a toll on him. In public, when he has temper tantrums or laughs too excitedly people tend to stare with a ‘Boy, is he spoiled’ or ‘What is wrong with him look.’.
With the older (maybe 60+) population, I may quietly explain that he is brain damaged and unable to help himself. I feel that the younger population should not assume anything about any child and let it go, unless the tantrum was a major disruption to them (kicking their seat in a restaurant..).
I’ve learned to pretty much ignore those who stare unless they make rude comments.I had a waitress tell me (even after being told my boy’s are autistic)that if she took them that in a week they would act like different kid’s. I came back the next day and told the owner about it. He also has a special needs child and he promptly fired her because she would not apologize. We very seldom go out in public and I think a lot of other family’s are the same.
Have you ever noticed that it’s the adults that stare and not the children? He’s 20n with down’s/autism. I took my kids to local playgrounds often. I noticed that kids playing around him never took a second look at him. They went about their business playing. Even when he was in High School and was in an inner city school where he was one of the only white kids with special needs, I never saw any of the other kids take a second look at him. It’s the adults that are confused.
I have to agree with Judy – we take our son to the playground and parks a lot and the kids never even bat an eye – it’s their parents.
Interesting…
It breaks my heart usually. I don’t know why, but it does. I’ve been known to stare back at them until they realize they’ve been caught staring at my child. I don’t offer any info on Ava’s problems to rude people. I just walk away.
You know typically I would say Hi this is Kennedy she cant really talk, but loves to be talked to”, etc….
We attended a bday party a couple years back and Kennedy was sitting at a picnic table eating and 3 girls came up all together tilted their heads down to stare right at her….there were tons of adults around and not one said a thing…I finally blurted out that it was rude to stare and they all ran away. I was so ticked, not necessarily at the kids(although the oldest was old enough to know better) but at the adults that I found staring through out the day. We have never attended a bday party for that family ever again.
message to Mary S(commenter above)…I take so much pleasure in knowing that rude waitress was fired!
It was recently explained to me that staring is sort of a primordial reflex similar to rubbernecking on a freeway when you go by an accident. It’s a self-preservation sort of instinct.
I beg to differ (a bit) that children don’t stare. At least in my daughter’s case they DO and always have, even before “we adults” figured out she was different, they knew. Part of it (I think) is an attempt to establish normative eye contact/social referencing.
Meanwhile my response is highly dependent on the situation. If we’re in the middle of a full-blown tantrum, nothing takes my eyes and attention off my child and what I’m doing to try to help her re-regulate. If people are staring I hope they enjoy the show because they’re not getting anything out of me. Children I don’t usually say much to unless they ask me a question, which I answer simply “her brain works differently from yours” or I redirect them to ask her (sometimes they ask me her age/name/what she likes as if she can’t speak at all…)Adults I usually try a friendly wave and smile. If they initiate a conversation I might explain more, but if not I just let it go. Generally if they’re staring there’s something going on that I need to be paying attention to.
A friend told me about some t-shirts that say, “I am autistic, what is your excuse?” (or something like that)…I’m keeping it in mind.
It’s also been my experience that kids stare. They do so even more blatantly than adults sometimes, but the kids don’t bother me. Well, they don’t bother me as MUCH as adults do, who should know better. Kids are just curious. They sometimes don’t know what to make of my son, who looks like a big boy but has infantile issues, like drooling.
hey, i’m a random lurker with asperger’s syndrome and some back problems… i just wanted to add that it is definitely adults that stare the most. i know other teenagers who are more polite than many adults. once, i was at the doctor’s office with my parents for my back problems. as we were filling out forms, a woman with one arm curled to her chest passed in an electric wheelchair. i turned to look at her, reminded myself not to stare, smiled, and turned back around. then i noticed that my mom, who is constantly yelling at me for not following social courtesies (she refuses to admit i have asperger’s) follow the woman with her eyes all the way down the hall. fortunately she looked away eventually because i was about to kick her. seriously, you’d think she’d never seen someone disabled before!