Giving in to your child's special needs

I don't think this is "giving in" so much as it is knowing your child. Why "push buttons" if we don't have to. I have a strong personality so this would've been my chance to educate Mr. Snotty-look, even if it was indirectly by telling the kind Mr.Table-mover loudly that you appreciated his kindness because your child has issues with routine due to his disability. I would've gushed all over his kind gesture!

I know this honks off some people because I dare speak of my child's disability in public, in front of them, but I think it is a wonderful opportunity to educate people, teaches my child I care about his issues, AND to teaches my child to advocate for themselves.

My daughter picks a favorite table, too. One time when her favorite table was full she just sat down with the family that was sitting there and helped herself to some of their food! They were very understanding and just laughed it off. After that we always sent in a scout to see if "our table" was available before we went into the restaurant and if it wasn't we went somewhere else. Same deal with a wait of any length at any restaurant…she just couldn't take it.
And even though I made those concessions she has slowly but steadily improved and at most restaurants she can now handle a short wait and sits wherever…except for that one restaurant; but they know us now.

I guess I look at this from the perspective of the family that moved to a different table… what an opportunity for a dad to teach his daughter about compassion, kindness, diversity and the like. It's a simple gesture, really, that means the world to your son (and therefore you) and doesn't cost them all that much. I'd like for my children to walk away with that kind of lesson – that doing something that is simple for you may mean the world to someone else – because I'd want them to live out that philosophy all their lives.

There are many kids out there where this type of change is very hard. I can speak for the perspective as to how I should/could/would (pick any of the 3!) handle this with my ASD son.

1. Social story along the lines of – When I go to McDonalds we stand at patiently the counter while dad orders our food. I like to eat … Sometimes instead of waiting with dad, mom and I go find a table. I have a favorite table. Sometimes we can't eat at this table because there is already someone there. This makes me sad. I know that there will be another time that we can eat at my favorite table. We find a different table and I enjoy eating my …

2. If you use a visual schedule, then an "oops" icon can be used. An "oops" is anything that is out of the regular. But by practicing at home, a child can learn that a situation is "only an oops". Other examples of "oops" are inside recess because of rain/cold/snow; sprial noodles instead of elbow; blue socks instead of white because the laundry's not open

3. Choose the time to do battle and sometimes just give in. For example, in the morning we have to get out of the house and I don't require Luke to dress himself. This IS NOT the time to start a battle that I don't have time to finish, which will teach him that he can get me to change my mind.

There have been times where I have stood to eat my fast food meal because Luke has decided he wants to leave instead of eat. I have to guard other people from getting hit (his way of showing anger) and Luke from running out the door. All the while reminding Luke that he has to ask to leave and to do it nicely. I am beyond embarassement, but my girls aren't. But you know, after deciding before we walked in that this was how I would handle it, and doing it several (or more!) times, for the most part he doesn't throw a tantrum to leave.

It's like being on a tightwire and if you fall–well then you have upset a ton of people and if you don't fall– then you have upset those who are jealous that you managed to get accross!

I try to use social stories with my son~ but I wish I didn't have to use social stories to explain myself to the "public"

Those are some great responses. I have had to give in to Joe in public. I wish there were more compassionate,understanding people. I do understand that we always cannot give in to our kids…but something are just easier. We don't use social stories, I should.

Yes, I'm also wowed by these comments, which have given me an entirely new perspective. Thank you so, so much.

My daughter's still really young and looks younger than she is, so I can still sort of get away with the not so ideal behaviour in public. But it bugs me so much at home sometimes how I seem to be raising her differently that I did her older brothers. She gets away with things her brothers never would have. I hate it, but sometimes it's the only way to get through the day.

I agree – these are great comments and suggestions. I really liked how one person said they would have really given the family who changed tables a big thank you. Also, try not to beat yourself up about giving in, sometimes it is about getting through the moment and we all have to do what we have to do with any child at times. That specific moment does not have to define us, although at the time, with witnesses, it seems to.

Lisa — one thing I have learned about having a child with special needs — try to avoid the word "should". (I'm saying this not knowing how you intended it) But it can allow too much guilt. Instead try things like "I would like to try …", "When life is a little more settled …", "Right now we are working on …, maybe we can try some … next". We are in for the long haul and regardless of what some folks (celebrities?!) might make it sound, are time and resources are limited.

Thank you, Janet, above. "should" is a word to avoid. EAch day is a new day having a child with special needs, and although the joys are great — there is alot of challenge and heartache that goes along with it. I think that is the reality. My son with CP turned 16 this past month — a whole new ball game with hormones and special needs! But God is good, and He gives us the strength that we need each day.

I found these moments to be a good learning situation for my three kids, none of whom are disabled (I don't want to offend anyone but I don't know the correct term for what used to be called "normal.")
My youngest is 14 now but when they were younger they learned compassion by doing things like surrendering preferred tables and allowing special needs kids to have the swing they were playing on. They learned that it's wrong to gape at anyone who looks different or is behaving oddly. I'm proud that my kids are considerate and kind. Not everyone is. It's awful what some adults who should know better say about people who are different. I think it's motivated by fear but I find it heartless and rude.

I don't have any advice because we are struggling with the same thing. I personally think it's called survival. We know the alternative to "giving in." We know that it's so much more than really giving in. It's trying to have a bit of ease in a very uneasy situation. For instance, my daughter has zero compromising skills. She doesn't know better. She's 7 years old, but functions as a 1 year old. We have to look at the big picture. I've tried really hard to stop beating myself over it. I don't treat my daughter like I do my other child, but it's because she doesn't have the understanding. I've decided not to care anymore. If someone makes me want to feel bad, I just say a quick prayer in my heart, and try to understand that an outsider has NO IDEA what the situation is. Good luck!!