My daughter, Ashley, is blind (and deaf and has seizures and some other stuff too), and because of that, she has a tendency to bump into things. She often has bruises on her shins as a result. I understand those bruises. What I don’t understand are the bruises on her arms that look surprisingly like fingertips.
As I’ve probably mentioned here previously, Ashley is very strong willed. That has been a good thing for her because it has helped her development a great deal. But, combine that strong will with teenage rebellion, and you get a good dose of stubborn.
That stubbornness can be seen throughout her day – refusing to get on the school bus, refusing to get off the school bus, refusing to stand up and change classes, refusing to move quickly in the lunch line…Well, you probably get the picture.
My theory about the arm bruises is that the adults in the school system, whether they are teachers, bus drivers, or lunch ladies, decide to ‘help’ Ashley move along. And, because Ashley is a very strong stubborn teenager, it takes a great deal of force if one chooses to physically try to move her along.
I believe there are better ways because at home I just have to be stern and put on the ‘Mean Mommy Face’ – which she feels with her hands rather than sees. I don’t believe I am strong enough to physically try to make Ashley do something, and I don’t want to even try.
So how do I deal with the bruises that happen at school? Because Ashley has seven different classes that means seven different teachers. When I have broached this subject in the past, a lot of “not me” and “didn’t happen in my classroom” are heard.
Ashley will be 15 years old in two months, and it is time for people to stop putting their hands on her to get what they want. Any suggestions on how I can get that point across?
Deborah can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Wednesday, and can also be found at Pipecleaner Dreams.
I only have little children so take this with a gain of salt but like many of us we like rewards.
Set small goals and she gets a reward for meeting them. I do not know your daughter’s cognitive ability so you adjust to her needs.
Something like getting on the bus (without complaint) she can choose dinner for that night, or extra minutes to stay up or more time doing her favorite thing. Then stretch it out from a day to a couple of days and then a week.
Just an idea…wishing you the best! Sorry for the bruises.
Oooo I don’t like to hear about the “helping” bruises, Joey bruises easily and he sees and hears just fine. He is just active and has tantrums, but he’s come home with finger print bruises and still I get..”not here” or.”gee I don’t know what happened”. What I do…document document document. Because Joey needs me to dress him each morning i know every mark on his body..if he goes into school with a bruise, mark or anything..I let them know..when he gets home from school, he needs to be so I notice if anything new is on his legs or bottom..and then at shower time…I document and then ask..
Keep a journal and let Ashley bring it back and forth to school. That might help…good luck.
Great idea, Lisa. I especially like the part of sending the journal back and forth to school. That will let the school know that I am serious!
Carrie, Ashley is a teenager and quite typical in her teenage behaviors. I have found that bribery works well most of the time
Does she have a behavior plan of some sort in her IEP? If not, then the IEP team (with Ashley’s input) needs to work together to develop one.
Document with photographs as well as a journal.
I think the laws vary by state but unless it is in a behavior plan the teachers/aides are not allowed to put their hands on her.
For what its worth, I’ve worked with many kids who had behavior issues in a school where parents signed a waiver allowing us to put our hands on kids- some of whom were taller and bigger than me, and I’ve never given a kid a bruise. Unless she bruises particularly easily (I do), they are using a decent amount of force/pressure if it is leaving marks.
My daughter is also deaf-blind and 14 and can be VERY STUBBORN. Bribery doesn’t work, but giving her some choices does. She gets so tired of everyone telling her what to do. She’s also sick of having things done to her, like doctor’s poking her, tests being performed, braces being strapped on, hearing aids shoved in her ears…etc. So I started allowing her some choices. She says her glasses don’t help, so I let her stop wearing them. That seems a good compromise with her hearing aids, which do help (and she agrees that they do, but she still doesn’t like wearing them). She wears her leg brace during exercise and PE, but can take it off at home.
Teens want more power and autonomy. The issue with our kids is that they don’t get that. They remain dependent on adults when other kids their age have more freedom. The only way they can achieve any sense of independence is by being stubborn. Since my daughter is given the opportunity to have some (controlled) choices about what happens to her, she is more willing to do those things she needs to do. It isn’t a cure for stubborness (she’s a TEEN), but it has helped with some of the defiance.
As for the bruising, call a meeting asap and talk to everyone about the problem. They probably don’t realize how their handling of your child is creating bruising. I agree with the documenting. Very important. But take that documentation to an “emergency meeting” and get everyone to problem solve. I suspect most will be shocked to discover just how extensive the bruising is and will want to change their tactics. Grabbing a child to get her to comply is WRONG.
I don’t believe in using physical force to move a child, I work in a school and the only time I have “laid hands” on a child is to gently reposition them on their chair so they don’t tip it over and smack their face on the table (which happened today to one of my kids actually..) Of course my kids are small (kindergarten) and easy to lift without hurting them. I think bruising a child of any age is abhorrent, whether they were being noncompliant or not. Unless the child is engaging in an aggressive behaviour (beating another child or a teacher for instance) and the person does it in self defense, then no one should be touching them in such a way as to leave bruises. I would document it and speak directly to the principal and tell them that it’s unacceptable, threaten to take them to the authorities because bruising a child is child abuse.
I had the same problem last year and heard the same stuff.I took pictures and documented the days that it was happening because one of the parapro’s suggested that maybe it was happening at home.I have a older child with autism as well as the younger one.When I laid everything out on the table at our next meeting,I said maybe not everyone that deals with him has been taught how to handle him in the proper manner.Our head of special Ed services promptly had everyone who deal’s with him take classes on how to redirect and restrain him without leaving mark’s(He run’s when upset).Since then there have been no more mark’s on him.