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Oh woe is me
My son Connor has had a dry, grunt-like cough for the last couple of days and Isabelle has the sniffles. Neither of them have a cold. Connor does have asthma but I fear that the cough is not related to a respiratory issue nor is Isabelle's sniffing.
Seems my kids aren't sick. I should be glad, right? Instead I'm sick with worry.
I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since Madeline was diagnosed with Tourettes two years ago. My fourth child was six months old at the time and I knew that Tourettes was genetic. I also knew that chances were good that any or all of my other three children may have inherited it and I felt terribly guilty that I may have passed the gene to all of them. I’m not so sure that I would have gone on to have more biological children if Madeline had been my only child at the time of her diagnosis.
But they are here and I truly do feel that they are the children I was meant to have. They are my greatest blessings.
I love them so much that it hurts.
All that I have ever wished for is that they would have healthy and happy lives so I do my best to handle the hand I’ve been dealt. Ninety-nine percent of the time I do a pretty good job of coping but that one percent tends to put me on my pity pot. Fortunately I don’t sit on it for too long before I’m able to put things back in perspective and once again be thankful for what I have.
I’m on the pity pot today. Connor and Isabelle’s cough and sniffles have me paranoid that they are tics and I fear that I’m seeing the early signs of Tourettes.
I fear that their lives aren’t going to be easy and dealing with that is not going to be easy on me. My mother has bipolar, OCD, ADD, and a Borderline Personality Disorder and her life has not been easy. I fear that one or more of my children will be as mentally ill as she is and it scares the crap out of me.
Sure, I can deal.
I’ve had so much therapy over the years that therapeutic talk is my second language. I know that I’m the perfect mom for these kids. The thing is I don’t want to do it. Not when I’m on my pity pot.
I want to be like parents of “normal children” who have never given their child a prescription medication other than an antibiotic or don’t have to spend two hours helping their child with homework that should have only taken 30 minutes.
I’m just so tired.
I’m so tired of temper tantrums, handing out pills, worrying about self injury from impulsive behavior, homework arguments, appointments with pediatric neurologists and language therapists, fearing what the future holds, blah, blah, blah, oh woe is me.
So I give myself permission to whine and to mourn the unattainable “perfectly normal” children that I sometimes feel cheated of.
Then I put on my big girl panties and get some rest so I can once again feel 99% thankful and blessed for the family I have.
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Comments on Oh woe is me »
Nicole @ 10:54 am
Kristie, I think it's admirable and healthy that you can be honest about your feelings. I think too that it's awesome that you don't remain on the pity pot. I am watching a situation where the Mom has been on the pity pot for 2 years and the affect it has on her daughter is devastating. Many hugs and many prayers for all of us to have the strength and peace that we not only deserve but that our kids require and deserve as well.
HUGS, Nicole
Do I have to be a mom today? - Slacker-moms-r-us @ 11:00 am
[...] You can read more about pity party over at 5 Minutes for Special Needs. [...]
Kim @ Up North Mommy @ 12:10 pm
My uncle was diagnosed with Tourettes when he was an adult. He had all kinds of head ticks and made noises. Now he's on medication and his ticks are barely noticeable. I know my dad has it, but he's not nearly like my uncle was.
One of my cousin's kids has been diagnosed with it, too.
Virtually everyone in my dad's family stutters. He does as do his older sister, his younger sister, his brother. I did quite a bit when I was in grade school and still do when I'm really tired. It's a breathing/diaphragm control thing. I wouldn't be surprised if it's somewhat related to Tourettes, too.
So far, I haven't seen a sign of it in my kids.
Barbara @ 12:33 pm
Well, the day is young, and I'm leaving words of support and encouragement just because there are only a few just now. I admire you, too, for not staying too long in self-defeating thoughts and you are better equipped to take care of yourself as well as your children. I expect you all will do well, most days, much like the rest of the undiagnosed population.
Debbie Yost @ 5:35 pm
Sometimes we just need a pity party. We need a good cry and time to just wash away all the stress we have to deal with. We can't always put on a brave face. Once in a while we just have to give in. I hope you feel better soon, but until then, sending you hugs!
Rickismom @ 5:46 pm
I think that we have to be honest with ourselves about the fears and difficulties. ONLY after that can we do the "OK., Now What?" and pick up and go on.
Melody @ 5:59 pm
I feel certain most of us here completely understand and spend some time on the pity pot…I do. You have a healthy attitude and obviously a strong fortitude to see your family through. Sending hugs and hopes for better days real soon.
Deborah @ 6:20 pm
I am right there with you today, Kristie. I had a horrible week at the beach last week, and felt so guilty for wanting just a 'normal' vacation. But now I'm home and getting back into my routine, and thanking God for the wonderful children I have – and for the strength to bounce back, just as you do…
Tammy and Parker @ 8:17 pm
Kristie,
That pity pot of yours could also be a metaphor for positve mental health.
You are a smart and loving Mama. And I am proud to have you on our team.
Thanks for putting yourself out there to help the rest of us.
Maddy @ 8:28 am
I think we're all had days when we think something like " I can't do this / who put me in charge / I'm not qualified.'
There is always someone waiting in the wings with the answer 'no-one is given more than…..'
I'd sure like to trade with the person waiting in the wings sometime.
Fortunately, it's never quite the same 24 hours later.
Best wishes
Jai@wifeof1momof4 @ 12:08 am
You are NOT alone! Thank you for being so transparent. It is perfectly ok to have these thoughts as long as you don't "park" there.
As school soon starts again, I find myself wishing for more summer lazy days so I won't have to get back to the all night homework, meetings, explaining over and over again to new teachers and staff and on and on and on.
These are the times when I shout out to God for a renewed strength move forward and move forward WELL!
Blessings to you …
mommy~dearest @ 3:07 pm
I feel ya- I keep looking for signs of TS and ASD in my toddler. I know I passed TS on to my oldest son, (I always thought I just had some weird OCD's, but we were diagnosed together) and I know there is a very high possibility that I also passed it on to my baby.
I just keep thinking that I know what to look for now, and I am more familiar with TS now than I was a year ago.
So far I haven't seen any signs, but I'm always on the lookout. Every little cough, sniffle, flick, jump, blink-pattern…