Our family was having dinner one Sunday evening when Matthew , who has autism, became distressed because his potatoes were touching his meat. My husband, Peter, who was tired after pruning trees all day, told Matthew in a loud voice “Don’t be ridiculous, just eat your dinner.”
Matthew yelled no, that he was the boss of his food, and picked up his plate and threw it across the room. Peter was ready to lunge out of his chair in anger, as were Matthew’s two younger brothers, but instead they stayed put while I walked my sobbing son to the backyard for a talk.
Although it took tremendous self control, I talked to Matthew quietly even when he flared up irrationally, (“I’m like a weed whacker! If I get too wound up I need to throw my food!”) until he was calm-even remorseful. Peter, Andy and John came outside when they could see the coast was clear, and Matthew apologized to his dad, who also apologized.
Another meltdown is defused.
Once Matthew was in bed, and after I finished my cold potatoes and downed my wine, Peter and I debriefed. Meltdown defused-but could it have been avoided?
YES!
There is an acronym used by recovering addicts, H.A.L.T. , that applies to parents of special needs children. If kids (or parents) are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, be aware, and be flexible.
“I should have more flexible,” said my husband, “but it is SO HARD!”
“I know, I know,” I responded in a soothing voice.
Sometimes being a good wife and mother means being a good actress!
Laura
Laura Shumaker is the author of A REGULAR GUY: GROWING UP WITH AUTISM
and a contributor to A CUP OF COMFORT FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.
Me thinks using this acronym will be useful for grumpy daddies after a long hard week. Thanks!
I think it’s a great acronym for everyday use with everybody including those grumpy daddies and mommies!
Another excellent and practical post, Laura. Thanks!
Love this! Every parent should know it.
If I’m always tired, what does that mean for me?
LOVE this post…
parenting with purpose doesn’t always come naturaly! I’ll have to try that acrynymn(sp?) on my dear hubby…
this can be so hard to remember! Thanks for the reminder.
H.A.L.T. – I hadn’t heard it like that before but it totally makes sense. It can be so frustrating when we realize too late that we could have prevented a situation from escalating into a meltdown… sometimes it was clearly preventable and other times the answer turns out to be so simple and yet so off-the-wall that we would not have guessed in time to prevent it. It’s good that you and your husband back each other up like that… we try to do the same and it certainly helps preserve some teeny shred of sanity around here
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[...] shares on 5 Minutes for Special Needs about a recent meltdown that could have been avoided with some advice we all can use… Our family was having dinner one Sunday evening when Matthew, who has autism, became [...]
What a great lesson! THANKS so much for sharing. I know I need to apply HALT around here too.
It is amazing how being flexible and allowing our kids to have a sense of control can help avoid meltdowns. So often, I know that my husband and I could have avoided a situation if we had been more flexible.
I can completely relate to this. Thanks for the tip. I have just printed it out and will put it up on my fridge so I can be reminded of it often. Thanks.