My sister’s due date is next week. My good friend Lyla is having a baby next month. I am so, so excited for both of them.
I am also a little melancholy.
Anytime anyone close to me is having their first kid, I can’t help but flash back to my pregnancy with Max. When I never for one second worried that anything could go wrong, when I was filled only with hopes and dreams and excitement for my firstborn child.
Max had seizures on the second day of his life, they discovered he had a stroke, and for months after that I was filled only with grief and stress and worry and sadness.
So, I get melancholy when women I know are due to have their babies. And I also get a severe case of should-we-have-a-third child? It’s something my husband and I have been batting around for a couple of years now.
We love children; I was lucky not to have any issues getting pregnant, and I actually liked being pregnant. I also adore babies (that’s yummy Max above). Financially, we could swing it. And, this is critical, we think it would be great for Max to have another brother or sister.
But then, I’m just not sure how we’d manage, given all of Max’s needs.
But then, I don’t want to grow old and ever regret for one second that I didn’t have a third child.
But then, I’m concerned that I’d have less attention for Max, and he needs as much attention and help as he can get.
I could go on and on and on, lobbing the pros and cons back and forth and back and forth.
Have any of you considered having another child especially because you have a child with special needs?
In our case – it’s a fourth child (we had #2 and 3 at the same time!). But, I have the same fears – we don’t have enough time for the ones we have, how would we handle another? I don’t know – but long term – I think it would be great for Cici to have another sibling, and for my other two to have someone as Cici gets older (and so do we) to help care for our very complicated family! Now to talk Matt into it! (and not now – maybe next year!)
Yes, we had our second child, Jacob, when our oldest, Caleb, who has cerebral palsy, was 26 months. It was a very, very good decision for our family! Jacob was the best therapy Caleb ever had!
Watching Jacob do all of the “normal” things that babies and toddlers do and reach typical milestones pushed Caleb to try and gave him am example to follow on his level.
When Jacob was almost two Noah joined our family. Noah will be three this December and Malachi is due to join our family in about a month.
-And yes, we are done.
But really, it has all been so good for each one of the boys, and Caleb has thrived with his brothers around.
It is VERY busy, especially with Caleb’s special needs, but Jacob and Noah have learned so much about loving people who may be different and helping out those who can’t do as much for themselves.
It is a very personal decision and one that requires much thought and prayer. You have to look at your priorities and life style – what is most important to you.
Given my age & the 25% statistic of passing along the same genetic syndrome to another child — it is too risky for me. Oh yeah and the fact that we are now a broken family adds to that as well. I believe Austin will be my only child, which is too bad because I really LOVE kids. But you never know what the future holds…
We also have a 25% chance of passing the same genetic disease along, so we will not be having anymore by birth. We have thought about adopting…but with as busy as our lives are now, and all the things we have to keep up with Max, I don’t see how we could fit that in too. Maybe one day. I always wanted to have a lot of children. Funny how life works though.
After going through the whole genetic counciling thing and finding out it was a random mutation that is not likely to happen in other pregnancies we rushed to have another kid after Evan. I think I was secretly eager to have a “normal” kid and I really think Evan needed a sibling to motivate him. When we got married we had planned to have four kids so once we got the all clear it was a bit of a no brainer.
We had our fourth before E., our autistic child, was diagnosed. Then we waited awhile (for us) to have our current baby until we were reasonably sure we could handle it.
We did go through the worry of what would be with the baby, and I remember getting a list of all the fish that has mercury in it and crying that I didn’t want another autistic child. There’s no testing to be done, so that’s not a factor. She still hasn’t reached the age where we’d know.
But we wanted this baby, not just to have her but for the family. Assuming you have enough energy to take care of other kids, there is nothing like siblings for an autistic child. It forces socialization.
I have struggled alot with those same kinds of questions. Our first son was “normal” and our second has serious developmental delays which have yet to be diagnosed. We don’t know for sure if we’re carriers of something that has caused these developmental problems in our little guy. We don’t know the odds of a third child having special needs as well. I don’t know if I could handle two like this. But God has chosen to bless us with a third pregnancy and we’re in it. I am trusting Him to not give me more than I can handle! Ah!
For us the question is not should we have more…but how can we fit more in our home. We foster children with special needs that have been neglected and abused in someway. I can tell you without a doubt that if the state of Colorado said we could have more kids we would take every child in need of a loving home. Your beautiful little Max would only benefit from a sibling if God were to bless you with another!!! And give yourself credit for what you are capable of doing…God will not put something on your plate that you cannot handle.
Thanks for these thoughtful, reassuring comments. I went out to lunch today with a friend and spent most of it discussing the possibility of a third child. I do think Max would really benefit from another sibling. I do think my life would be slightly insane if I had three kids and my current fulltime job. But I think the positives outweigh the negatives, in the end. Stay tuned….
It’s hard for me to be objective as I have four. Admittedly there’s a big gap between my eldest and the second set of three but we didn’t know that either of them was autistic until 18 months / 2 and since they’re all 17 months apart we simply had nothing to base a decision upon. I think the genetic counseling armed with statistics might help, either help in making an informed decision or help in dismissing the statistics and going with your gut.
BEst wishes
Every child is such a unique blessing. I waited 9 years until my second because of concerns about taking away from my special needs child…. but it turns out Baby#2 had been a great addition to the family and has not taken away anything that he hasn’t given back tenfold to our oldest… Go for it!!
I want another baby. A lot. But we also have a genetic component working against us. Not sure what the odds are, since we have a high risk of miscarriage and stillbirth vs. another live birth with either a trisomy 9 or 16 issue. But the risk is definitely there, and it terrifies me. I just don’t think I could go through all of this again. My husband has been wanting another for about a year now, but since I’m the genetic carrier, I already feel the guilt (even though that’s ridiculous) of Addison’s issue. So, who knows. Stay tuned for us, too.
My husband and I both wanted three kids when we got married. Our oldest came along very easily but then we had secondary infertility. After treatments we were blessed with twins, and after the twins were born we found out that our oldest is autistic. A friend asked me the other day if we would have had more children if we had known earlier about our daughter’s issues, and I didn’t know how to answer her. My husband says it wouldn’t have mattered to him, but I think it would to me. Even though the twins are so far developing more normatively I watch them every day for developmental issues and it has colored my baby/toddler time with them in some strange hues of anxiety/guilt. Meanwhile, I’m glad the decision was removed from my hands (at some level) because I can’t imagine a day without any of them, and as others have noted, I believe having siblings (two at once, no less) has been very good for our daughter. The opportunities to teach gentleness, using words, sharing, saying please/thank you/sorry, waiting your turn, etc. have increased exponentially. I hope it will also be good for the twins to have a sister who is different. I already see the blessing of learning social skills vicariously because they have each other to practice on and we have to enforce the same rules with the same methods with them. Long answer, not an easy question, and definitely one that will require thought, prayer, and careful consideration.
I always thought I would have at least 2 children. When my daughter was first born and things didn’t go exactly like we planned, I thought I would never do it again. Then when she turned 1 we both decided we wanted another one. So we have been trying for almost a year now with no luck. UGH. I think it would be great for Emily to have a sibling. I do have concerns about handling 2 with the needs that Emily has, but that doesn’t stop me from trying.
I don’t think I have seen a chunky monkey picture of max yet! He was such a cute babe..I can see how Caleigh’s rolls remind you of Max.
I’m at a spot in my recovery that I hate all things pregnancy and birth. I had a terrible pregnancy and too short of one at that.
My SIL is preggers with her 2nd and I couldn’t be happier (for her), but really, truthfully I hate it.
I used to be the baby lady, the belly lady. I would annoy you in a store if you had either. Ever since Caleigh was born I hate everything about it and avoid it at all costs.
For me, it will be a long time before we have more children and honestly we have talked about Caleigh being our only child.
I think you should have another so that we can see pics of chubby baby legs again
Just look at me – I hve 6 kids – all with differing forms of autism – did i plan this? i can’t say yes and i can’t say no – all i do know is that i wouldn’t change my life for the best of scenarios – i am better because of it – even during the hard times
I have two with one having developmental delays, now that’s she is 5 years old my husband and I talked about it for months about getting pregnant we are sowhat concerned but god will decide for us we love kids and he gave us the blessing of getting pregnant again we are very excited.