A few weeks ago, we received a phone call from Mal’s teacher.
He had been in a fight with another of his classmates and had found himself in deep trouble.
Not only that but he had come up worse than the other kid in the fight and had been thumped across the head.
By the time he got home form school, it had formed into a huge blue – black bruise.
Mal had been particularly quiet, this afternoon but I had not pushed things, not searched for answers.
Sometimes, it’s better to leave well enough alone, when it comes to Mal.
The teacher called late into the night.
She felt badly because she had punished Mal for his actions and as the story evolved, it seemed, that Malachy had started out as the most innocent of parties.
You see, lately Mal had been allowed to have lunch with the ‘main stream’ children and play in the playground that wasn’t locked behind him by a huge metal fence. He was allowed to roam the school grounds free.
He had been given the opportunity to interact with the ‘normal’ children.
What happened was that one of these so called ‘normal’ kids had encouraged Malachy and another of the special needs children to get into a fight with one another.
Mal has a hard time with controlling agression as it is, so when NK (normal kid) told Mal that his friend had called him a nasty name, Mal became angry. The NK apparently got a whole lot for his money when he successfully enticed the two special needs kids into a full on fight.
Fists and all.
The two boys hurt themselves and each other before the whole thing was pulled apart. A bunch of main stream kids, laughing and jeering on the sidelines, calling out the most horrid of terms and generally showing a level of narrowmindedness, I thought had long been banned from the playground, were also reprimanded but not punished.
I am in no way excusing Mal for his actions.
What he did was wrong and he should have been punished.
What it comes down to is this:
How do you teach accountability?
How do I make Mal see that what he did was wrong?
How do I teach him that if one boy tells him to take a swing at a long time friend, that he shouldn’t just do it because he was told to.
How do I teach him to think before he acts?
These are things I am finding hard to come to terms with.
Reason, sensibility, not to be so gullible, not to be so easily led
because ‘mainstream’ or ‘special needs’, without those things, kids will get themselves into trouble
every single time
and okay, it’s just a playground fight now
but what is going to happen in the future?
If he is so easily led astray, when he is older and cannot differenciate right from wrong,
what will happen to him then?
There are lots of nasty people in the world, who will take advantage of him.
I need to know,
how can I make him street savvy?
We taught our son when things happen to always think, “What would Jesus do?” Making the right decisions in life is hard to do, but if you let Jesus be your guide and think, “What Would Jesus Do?” it will make it a lot easier.
As for being street savy we discussed with our son what could happen and how to handle certain situations. We did this when the issue came up or we saw something to make it easier for him to understand.
We also used books (Berenstain Bears are great for this) and read them together.
I hope this helps.
As I read your post, tears welled up in my eyes. One of the worst fears for a Mom of a child with special needs is others whether children or adults taking advantage of them in a way that demeans or reduces them.
How do you teach accountability to a child who may not understand that concept the way you need them to?
It may not be so much about accountability as it is learning to control his impulses. Maybe helping him to understand those “feelings” that preceede bouts of anger and some of the trigger words or actions that cause those things to happen. Helping him through books and or videos (Veggie Tales is great)might also be another tool that might help him.
The other thing is the child that “instigated” this event should have to somehow atone for his actions. How about having him work with or help some of the special needs children (like lunch duty or classroom assistant) so he can get an understanding that these are children-people, with feelings, not puppets to be manipulated by him or anyone else.
My daughter is 6 and has Down Syndrome. In some ways she is high functioning, but she is very speech and language delayed causing her frustration often times at her inability to communicate or have others understand her. She too experienced a child in her class who would repeatedly hit her. I not only spoke with the teacher (who backed me up) but the childs mother as well who was greatly apologetic. We didn’t seem to have many instances after that.
Hang in there! I’ll be praying for you and Mal to find the best solution that works.
Chondra
Outside of getting him a 1:1 aide to facilitate play at recess I have a few ideas…
Have rules for the playground…
1. It’s not okay to hit or be hit. keep your hands to yourself.
Learn anger management…
role play what to do when you feel…
role play what to do when someone calls you a name or hits you…
Sometimes social stories seem to help, but to me they seem more effective when you’re actually acting them out…
Can’t teach him street smarts.
Mine is 29 still at home with me. He has gotten us evicted once before and I have to keep my foot down on him DAILY
or it will happen again,
and lord knows what will happen to him when I am not here anymore. (single ma)
He will be on his own and probably end up homeless and on the streets, beard and long fingernails and then in jail.
Not joking.
Just remember that if you have family that can help out you are really lucky.