The Hush Hush Disability

Thank you for writing this Melody. I wish more people were aware of FASD and how serious (and preventable) it really is!

My sweet Ashley is also diagnosed with FASD. Her birth mother drank all through her pregnancy, and was an anorexic as well. Ashley, as a result, will face struggles for the rest of her life.

It's not an easy disability - there are no cures. parenting a child with FASD can be one of the toughest jobs a parent will ever face.

As Melody said, this disability is 100% preventable. That message needs to be spread far and wide…

Thank you, Melody, for sharing this very important information with us.

Such excellent information. Thank you for passion on this subject. Thank you for caring enough to educate.

Melody,

I'm glad you wrote this. A friend adopted a sibling group of three, all of whom have FASD. Unfortunately, they didn't know this at the time the children were adopted. The oldest child's case was so severe, that after several years of him living with them as their son, they had to release him back to permanent foster care. He began acting out in ways that were simply too dangerous for the rest of the family, in spite of years of specialized therapy and every kind of drug known to treat this disability.

Let's put it this way, my friend had to hide her kitchen knives in the trunk of her car so he could not get them. Finally, when he began to act out sexually toward two of their daughters, they had to have him removed and placed in a home for boys with similar issues. And he was only 11 years old. This is what his biological mother did to him by drinking during her pregnancy.

This disability is devastating and irreversible, and, as Melody said, 100% preventable.

I have noticed that OBGYNs are pushing back the first appointment for prenatal care to 10 weeks gestation or even 12 weeks. I think it is insane that they expect all women are going to know what they are allowed or not allowed to do before their first appointment.

Heidi, I couldn't agree more. I remember when I had my first child in 1993 that they had me come in as soon as I knew. Then with my last, in 2004, it was like eh..whenever..12 weeks..14 weeks..although I was a knowledgable mom of 5 I thought about those who do not know the dangers or those who choose to ignore the obvious but who need help and counseling.

"Back in the day" when I went out to clubs when I was in my 20's I went to two specific places, one because it was a retro 1950's place and another because of the fun crowd on karaoke night. In BOTH places there were expectant moms who smoke like fiends and drank until they couldn't walk, week after week. I wanted to have them arrested for child abuse. I was so angry I would get sick myself. I quit going.

Then later I saw one of the Mom's (and she SO didn't deserve the title..) with her child that she carried and smoke/drank and he was so profoundly affected. She had him with her at work at a deli and he was constantly out of hand and she would call him a f# *#&%% idiot etc etc and right then and there I called the authorities and brought their attention to this matter. It's not that she didn't know these things would hurt him, she just plain didn't care. Sorry but this is part of it. NOT caring. Not loving. It doesn't take rocket science to know you're hurting your baby if you do these two things. An easy ruleof thumb… Don't do to yourself what you wouldn't do to a baby in a high chair.

Would you pour a stiff one and feed it to your baby in a bottle? Would you light one up and teach him/her how to inhale?? Would yoU???? NO So plain and simple, if you don't love the child at least respect him/her as another individual and go above and beyond your selfishness for 10 months. You'll live…that's my feelings on the issue. Too many people are too politically correct to exercise the tough love needed in this world. Stop protecting the oh so precious feelings of the ones injuring the little guys that can't speak for themselves!

These lil guys don't deserve to be treated like this.

In the early 70's my mother was given some form of alcohol through IV's in order to stop her preterm labor with my sister…several times and lots of it. My sister has had a lifelong battle with depression and mood disoders, but of course it has never been attributed to the method used to stop the preterm labor. I guess at that time they didn't know as much about it.

Thank you for sharing this valuable information. If it makes just one woman think more carefully…

Melody… Your powerful post addresses a topic that is so profoundly important. I was a high school teacher for 30 years, in a system where, each year, many students became pregnant, and most intentionally. I spent a great deal of time advocating for the unborn children of these young women… nutrition, medical care, AND educating them on the destructive forces of alcohol and drugs while pregnant. Most of the girls would listen, but some just did not believe the lifeline from her womb to the baby. I will never forget one girl, who said to me, "As long as it's born with 5 fingers and 5 toes, that's all that matters." And it's the cyclical problem as well… the moms of these girls weren't educated on the dangers of this abuse, and their daughters were victims themselves. I always spoke as passionately as I could about giving the baby the best chance for healthy brain development… as well as the physical development of the baby. I spoke of heart, lung, kidney development… things that could not be seen. I think about this problem so often, and wonder… what can I do? Thank you for this post. I will send everyone I know to it.

Awareness, that's what it's all about.
Best wishes

Thanks for writing this with such grace,Melody. I imagine many moms who drank during pregnancy are so ashamed that they would never seek help for their children. What's done is done, we do the best we can now. Prevent it in the future, and treat those who are victims. Well written, my friend.

Thank you for sharing this important information.

Thank each of you for your supportive comments. This is a cause and advocacy which is so close and dear to my heart.

Let's remember…it is not about judgment and condemnation, that will help no one. Education, support, and loving hearts…that is the way.

FASD is often a family cycle, and the women who become trapped within need help to break it. Other women simply need information…if a woman doesn't know better, she can't do better.

If you care to link to and share this post, thank you. And I am always open to answering questions.

I too am the mother of an adopted child with FAS. I get angry for the life he could've had. I cry for this disability that was 100% preventable. I am working on compassion for his mother, but I struggle as I watch my boy struggle everyday.

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Zero Alcohol for Nine Months

I know a lady who drank during both of her pregnancies and gave birth to babies with FASD. It is just sickening what some people choose to do to others.

I am also the adoptive parent of children with FASD. Thanks for making some noise about this hush hush disability! ~Kari

Thank you Melody for sharing this important post!!!

I agree with what you said about it not being about judging. We all get no where if we spend time and energy judging people for their past actions. It can be hard, but we need to take that energy and push for education and awareness.

Thank you!

I cried when I read my sons' birthmother's bio. From her earliest memories on, pain and suffering must be all she has. Alcohol and drugs are the only life she knows, the only choice she thought she had. I don't judge her, I have compassion on her. She knows what she is missing.

[...] until we are parted by the highly probable act of his running away or the death of one of us.  Fetal alcohol syndrome sucks, and it does not go away.  You teach and re-teach and go to therapy and give medication [...]

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