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Try This Tuesday #43: How to address lying – by adults???
Welcome to this week's Try This Tuesday. For details on how to participate, please check out the welcome post.
I actually have a couple of related situations that I would like some input on from other parents. It appears that twice in the last month my son has been told an untruth by the adult in charge of him in an effort to make him comply with their requests. (These are still unverified, but I need to decide what direction to go.)
Situation #1: On the Van
The first one was on the van which takes him from school to his after-school social skills program. The transportation is arranged by the program, and both the program and the van are funded through Medical Assistance.
According to my son, the driver told him one day when he wasn't behaving that she had called me and I had said he'd better behave. He said that he was also told he wouldn't be able to go to the program anymore if he didn't behave.
Situation #2: At School
The second one is related to a teacher who had given the class an activity to do. The teacher reported to me that he said that he couldn't do it and refused to try (the task is challenging for him). After reviewing the school rules with him, she told him he would get a "pink slip" if he didn't join in. He did eventually try the activity for the last few minutes.
It was suggested to me by one member of the IEP team last week that the teacher may have threatened a higher-level consequence just to get him to participate.
What Would You Do?
Firstly, I am debating how far to pursue either of these:
- He will only be riding the van for another three weeks, but this company gets many of the contracts, so he'll probably have them again later this summer. However, I did tell him that I hadn't talked to her, and he doesn't believe me.
- For the school incident, I responded in the meeting that the teacher's actions were not acceptable if that was the case. I'm not sure I should follow up on what was speculation on the part of the other staff member. I did discuss with them his difficulty in performing some tasks and the need for the teacher (whom he will have for the next five years) to know how to handle this type of situation.
Secondly, there is the question of how to address this with my son. How do I explain to him why an adult would lie like this and that it is not okay, but that he still needs to follow their directions when they are in charge? And while keeping in mind that anything I say can, and probably will, be repeated to said adult.
While these initially felt like minor instances compared to the issues I have been dealing with over finalizing next year's IEP, they actually are a big deal to my son and his understanding of how the world works and how people act. So I appreciate any input on either question of what to do!
Please join in and share the creative solutions YOU have found to your own challenges, or feel free to post your own challenge for input from others.
As the host of Try This Tuesday, Trish shares some of the solutions she has found to make life easier and invites you to do the same. You can also find her blogging at Another Piece of the Puzzle and Autism Interrupted.
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Comments on Try This Tuesday #43: How to address lying – by adults??? »
MaddyM @ 12:11 am
Lummy! That's a couple of corkers.
I think I'd talk to the driver first in a casual kind of a way. Let him/her talk, explain their rational. Then I'd suggest alternatives that might work better and would therefore make his/her job easier. I'd be sure to include some of our positive key word /phrases of the 'if = then' variety.
Teacher. Don't like the sound of that one little bit. Maybe act similarly to above as people often trip themselves up when they have to explain / justify themselves. Then I'd also suggest alternatives to get the same result = you can do it now or in 5 minutes, you choose / if you don't want to join us and do this then maybe you'd like to do this alternatively 'very boring' thing instead, you choose / adapt the activity to make it less repellent / not so difficult……sorry tired and run out of ideas.
Cheers
Trish @ 7:55 am
Great idea for both about giving some ideas of what to do instead. I especially like the alternative boring task if he doesn't want to participate – that's better than using a timeout type thing and certainly better than threatening the child!
I may see about getting that into his plan at school. Thanks!
Barbara @ 8:33 am
I agree with Maddy on both – a principle I try to adhere to whenever I have an issue with my child's school – enter at the lowest or most direct level possible. I also approach the person with a request for their help to me in managing the situation (with my child). I think the other manages to see my perspective and the child's when I describe my dilemma and without me accusing them of what I *really* think.
Territory Mom @ 1:50 pm
Before I was a parent I was an insurance adjuster for bus companies, municipalities and schools. Some claims I handled were brought by parents regarding IEP's and incidents involving special needs children. As far as the bus driver the school needs to know what happened and the bus company. Its their responsibility also they need to know to prevent a bigger problem later on. As far as the teacher it depends on your relationship with her. I can understand saying something to get your child to do something, but he should never feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to handle telling your child about why adults lie. We aren't there yet. I would talk to the teacher because she doesn't want a sense of mistrust with her students which it could lead to it. It's good to follow the chain of command but sometimes its not possible. Our last incident with the school I went straight to the school's superintendent. I have a friend who goes straight to our state's superintendent, she is more daring than me. Good luck
LynnEnsMom @ 5:24 pm
Trish, I have had to deal with the issue of lying in adults. It can be summed up like this, "Sometimes even adults make bad choices. That doesn't make them bad people. We try to tell the truth all the time, don't we? And that's the best way to go. Nobody is perfect. Mrs. so and so is really good at blah blah blah, isn't she? Your job is to be really good at cooperating with her."
I have come to the conclusion that we can have influence over the adults in our kid's lives if we are very very wise in our confrontations with them.
One way to handle these lies is to say to the bus driver in an almost laughing but "oh no" kind of tone, "Yesterday Jake got off the bus and asked if you had called me. I said No, and he said you said otherwise. I just want you to know he checks everything out and I can only say what I know. I do have a thought for you though… I am telling him that his job is to cooperate with you and I'll reward him in this way and you'll be keeping me informed." or something on that order.
Do the same thing with the teacher and then ask her what SHE is noticing works well with him. That way she still gets to be the "expert" and you can then add, "Oh good idea, I'll try that."
My daughter's teacher tells me that Little Miss will refuse to work. (I believe this.) So the teacher ASKED ME (!) if it would be okay with me if she said, okay well no free time until we get this work done.
I said, YES. It was very painful for Little Miss for a few days as she had to watch her friends having free time without her.
But the teacher and I were able to unite on this and now Little Miss is doing fine.
Sometimes kids try to divide and conquer at school (as well as with parents) and our best tool is finding some unity. Clearly that is not always the problem – the kids trying to divide and conquer. But sometimes it is.
Everyday when Little Miss gets on the bus I remind her of a couple things:
"I love you like crazy!!"
and
"Remember – your job is to cooperate and work hard!"
Trish @ 6:40 pm
Thank you, Territory Mom and LynnEnsMom, for your thoughtful comments. I really appreciate everyone's suggestions, especially in dealing with my son since I can't stop this from happening again with someone else and he needs to know how to handle it.
Heidi @ ggip @ 7:21 pm
I have no advice, just thank you for sharing this so that us with younger special needs kids can learn from it.
To-Do Tuesday - Week Fourteen — Another Piece of the Puzzle @ 11:36 am
[...] for advice on for today's Try This Tuesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs. The topic is "How to address lying – by adults?". If you have a moment, please click on over and let me know what you think. My To Do [...]
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