Saturday, I was out with my little girl, one of my best friends and her little girl. We took them to see a children’s Cinderella ballet, and we had a little time to catch up before it started. Her daughter’s had some delays and has been getting occuaptional therapy, and I asked how she’s doing. “She’s being turned down for therapy services next year because they have no diagnosis,” she said. And then, “Oh, but you don’t want to hear that.”
That bummed me out.
I know she was being kind—what she meant is, after what you’ve been through with Max (who had a stroke at birth and got cerebral palsy as a result), this must seem like small potatoes to you.
But, of course, I do care about her daughter. I don’t want to feel alienated from my friends and whatever they are going through with their kids, no matter how big or small. We’re there to support each other. It’s a two-way street. This is a friend who always asks about Max’s progress.
I couldn’t get into this right then and there, so I just said, “No, of course I want to hear more.”
Have you felt divides like this with friends who have typically-developing kids?
Ellen blogs daily over at To The Max.
Stuff like that bothers me too. You know, they give you these diagnoses–but they neglect to give the parent the reference manual for instances like this! My friends think I’m so weird because I don’t just grab my child and run around like they do. They don’t understand that med time is MED TIME, not a suggestion. I don’t want to feel alienated either, but I think it’s inevitable in our situations. If you get a good answer, let me know!
It is probably only slightly less difficult when it comes to talking about a sibling with special needs with peers who hay typical siblings. When everyone else is talking about their brother and sister passing the bar or going to med school, it’s sort of difficult to tell them that your same-aged sibling is now a shift manager at Wal-mart. Even though you may think it’s really awesome, they’ll give you one of those, “oh, right I forgeot your brother was special” looks of condescencion and then the topic changes because no one wants to make you feel bad that an Ivy League degree is not in the future for your sibling like it is for them.
This is a very difficult issue. I completely understand what you mean about wanting your friends to know you care about their situations as well. Our special needs children have already set us apart enough-we definitely don’t want to be limited to friendships with people who only have children with the same “specialty”.
I actually couldn’t help but feel sorry for the mom (and daughter) that she’s in that grey “has problems, but no diagnosis” area. If the daughter has truly gotten past all the issues, that’s one thing, but if she’s not going to get any more treatment just because they can’t label it, that’s sad (and scary).
Yeah, I know what you mean…
I find it’s hard for me to stop being “special needs mom” so when I do things like volunteer at a PTA event (which is, let’s face it, mostly a social thing) I try not to ramble on about it, LOL. I do find it amusing to hear other parents’ whines about their kids at these things. They have NO idea.
Hmm I recently had a very similar experience with a very close friend of mine who is a teacher. She went through the whole process of getting 502′s for her twin sons and didn’t even peep about it until it was all over, for similar reasons [didn't want to bother me.] but I have known her little chaps for 8 years! They were born a week ahead of mine. They live just a hop skip and a jump away. I felt…….terrible that she didn’t feel able to share her struggles, still hurts now as it made me feel so selfish and self centred. Luckily we are still jolly good chums but I wish things might have been otherwise.
Best wishes
Interpersonal communications is always complicated. Good friendships usually weather these things pretty well, others may not. But we ourselves may often be giving a negative message to those who SEEM to have less on their plate than us. I remember very vividly the sting I felt some eight years ago when I spoke at a school for special ed teachers, and I overheard a mother of a child with autism saying:”I don’t know WHY they invited her; Her kid only has DS.” At the time, I was fighting tooth and nail to get an inclusive placement for my daughter for gradeschool (one of the first in our area), and was being accused by everyone around as an irresponsible crazy lady. What the others did NOT see was that at this same time a family member was fighting addiction,. My home scene was horrendous, I was not able to sleep at night.My children were being affected by all that was going on. But I “only had a child with Down s.”
We have to make an effort to stop judging others on what their situation appears to be. We never know the true extent of things, and each person’s test is, for them, a test. May this be a wake-up call to be more empathetic to others.
Raising my hand on this one — yes, the constant undercurrent of comparison is wearing. It’s easy to get stuck in this perceived un-relatable little box where so much conversation is ruled out as either too cheery or not serious enough by well-meaning folks.
But it doesn’t bother me to talk about ANY child with sincerity and compassion. If a friend is sincerely proud of their child, I love to hear about it. Ditto if they are sincerely worried. I don’t keep a mental tally sheet of how their child’s issues and triumphs stack up against mine. I’m not keeping a scorecard.
I really love just sitting and chatting about my kids and another mom’s kids without all the worrying about what someone else is thinking.
For me, it’s a difficult concept to get across to all but the closest of friends (most likely a deficiency within my own communication skill set). But it’s pure magic and pricelessness when it happens.
~Michelle
I think, for me, this issue has opened my own mind to how we all compare ourselves to others, it’s human nature to be relieved when we hear that another child has it “worse” than our own. I used to be sensitive to it in others towards me and mine but then realized I did the same, was shocked at myself and then realized it takes work to defeat that voice! We are all just doing the best we can with that dread and anxiety that is one half of parenting, sometimes more than one half. I have a friend who calls me, typical kid but she always has pneumonia or some illness and I have to STOP Myself from saying, ” Oh my child very rarely gets sick” in a gleeful tone. Not because I don’t love my friend and I want to beat her down, just because it’s something that I can feel good about. Anyway, I think I’m rambling…