There was a time when I feared my daughter would not even catch it when someone was being mean to her. Because of her receptive, expressive, and pragmatic language delays she is ripe for the type of bullying where the true bully convinces an intermediary to do their dirty work for them. She doesn’t catch the facial expressions and tone of voice that go with teasing. It would be pretty easy to imagine a scenario where she’s getting picked on and doesn’t even quite realize it, or at least doesn’t understand it enough to know how to handle it. The latter is recipe for disaster since when she doesn’t know how to handle things she pretty much explodes.
The pendulum, however, seems to be swinging in the other direction.
Now I fear that she will push everyone away by labeling them as mean. It seems like every little thing that happens her response is, “You’re so mean!” Siblings, parents, peers…the whole world has turned mean I guess…So maybe I don’t have to worry so much that she won’t recognize real true mean. Instead I wonder how long everyone will put up with being called mean when they really aren’t.
There are other scenarios where I’ve been concerned one way and then had to back pedal and consider the other side. First I was worried that she would be left out of bar tag (a popular playground game at our school), then I was worried that she was insisting on playing it too much. Is she sleeping too much or not enough? Obsessed with this then not interested at all…
All of these subtle social skills that seem to just fall into place for other children. So many ideas and concepts that I hadn’t even thought about before, and now have to figure out how to teach them to someone to whom they really just don’t make sense. First we’re explaining this side and then we’re explaining the other, and back and forth we go…
The “You’re so mean!” response actually reminded me of a period of time my typical girls went through. I’m always second-guessing whether a change in behavior/demeanor is related to the disability or to the age or stage of development. WIth my youngest daughter’s DD, it’s not always clear-cut, altho it does seem that much of the emotional stuff is following a more typical curve, even while the social skills are lagging. Sure doesn’t make it easy.
Hi Kate – Yes that does complicate things. Especially since the child’s developmental profile is pretty scattered and since she is my first child I’m never quite sure if her latest quirk is a normal phase or related to her challenges. Either way I don’t want her going around labelling everyone mean – especially when they aren’t – and figuring out how to address it in a way that makes sense to her is hard, especially if I’ve been focused on the other end of the problem for a long time. Always a bit of a dance…
Both my boy’s went through this and it was just a stage they had to work through.Both are ASD so I know where you are coming from.Just remember the old saying,this too shall pass and then there will be something else to worry about, like, will he ever be able to live on his own and will there be people that will take advantage of him because he doesn’t understand.My oldest just turned 18 and is thinking that he is old enough to leave home now.
Thanks for the perspective, Mary. I think I just wonder sometimes, if I’m this caught off guard now how I’m going to keep up in the years to come, but I guess we’ll take it all one day at a time, right? Best wishes with your oldest’s transition…that’s an enormous step. I hope you can find the right supports for him so that he is safe but feels independent.
My typical girl went through this at around this age or so too, and is still over sensitive it would seem. I think it is our crux in life as moms to worry about these things and more. Will we worry more about our special needs kids? I think I do!
I know I do. I can already bid farewell to the twins at preschool and walk out knowing they’re going to be just fine…with the oldest I walk away praying that she’ll have a good day, and it is always a relief when I pick her up and things have gone well. When I get the “we need to talk” sign from the teacher that pit of fear opens in my stomach. Not sure any of this will ever end.
I was just thinking about this tonight at Girl Scouts. My near-10 year old is with her age-peers, and her 6 year old sis gets the social dynamics better than she does. Argh. On the outside she looks like a typical kid. The others in the troop don’t understand why she acts like a younger on – with the extra bipolar moods to go along with it. This is the first time I’ve allowed my girl to be in a social extra curricular activity… jury’s still out as to whether I’ll be able to handle it!
So far Girl Scouts has been a positive experience for us, but we’ve been in smaller troops, and often with girls with similar issues. I’m actually gearing up to help the troop learn about learning and social differences in an attempt to build a little social network for all of them. I’ll let y’all know how that turns out.