When Jack was first diagnosed, I was horrified. Depressed. Had major anxiety attacks. Cried for hours.
Somewhere around Jack’s second year, I felt myself changing. I no longer longed for the green field across the fence–I was OK with the patchy grass holding one perfectly beautiful flower in my own yard.
So, I started writing my feelings…part here, part at my own blog. I advocated for my son. I tried to educate Moms who were being Too Pushy on the proper way to advocate (that begins with being well educated and not screaming…professionalism always counts!). I felt like I was doing something worthwhile.
Last week, I received an email forwarded to me, by a member of my family. Family member A received the email from Family member B. In the email, B tells A that “Heather will want to make sure everyone feels bad for her because her life is so hard.”
My heart sank.
Like a rock.
To my family, I have never once complained. To my best girlfriends, yes. To God, yes. To my husband, yes. But never to the family…because I feel very strongly that we were given Jack for a reason, and I am blessed by him–even when I can’t sleep for days on end.
So I am very conflicted: to confront, or not to confront.
I am very non-confrontational to begin with. So there’s that. But, in this case, my feelings are broken. This person, who claims to love me very much, just threw a huge wall up between us.
Not to mention that what was said is wrong and mean.
So, friends…what to do? Have you had this happen in your world? How do you deal? Ignore the elephant in the room? Avoid that person at all costs from now on? How do you deal when your feelings get hurt–and I know, if you’re like me, most days I cry if someone says anything remotely nice to me, so something mean REALLY hurts.
I’ll be here waiting! 
Oh, my goodness! I am So.Sorry. Several years ago I realized that talking *about* people to other people in my family was causing no end of escalation of bad feelings, and I decided I was no longer going to vent about one family member to another, I was going to talk directly to them. It was not fun, but I am so much happier in my familial relationships! I guess all I can say is that you have to decide if this is going to poison your relationship with this person, and if so you will have to confront it, as kindly as you possibly can, without going on the offensive, but with an eye to opening up conversation (you know, “I” language, not “you” language). I will be praying for you!
Thanks…I sure could use all the prayers I could get!
Sometimes the people we think should care the most care the least. I have two children with Down Syndrome. Early on we had some horrible comments made by very close family members who we never would have thought would feel the way that they do. We have had to distance ourselves from some of these family members. In my opinion they are not worth the effort to even think about. I have more important things to deal with everyday than to worry about mis-guided family members.
That’s exactly how I’m starting to feel Robin! I feel like I’m ready to not rely on them and to just create space.
Hi having spent alot of time with my cousin, who has a severely disabled daughter, I can understand why this hurt so much. I would consider inviting said relative to spend the week at your home, nights and all, and see then what this person thinks… People are ignorant. You probably have such a routine that it looks easy to the outside world. But it is alot of work… Sending you alot of support!!!
Thanks Melanie…my best friend always says “have someone else walk in your shoes!” It would be nice…
Sounds like “B”feels guilty to me. I would confront the elephant in the room. Explain how you feel to “B”, so everything is out in the open.
Once you have had the conversation, never speak about it again!
My Dad always says “Be a Duck!” (meaning let stuff roll off your back..) He’s right…most of the time!
Thanks Susan!
I’ve learned over the years that the things people say about you actually say more about THEM than they do about YOU. This statement tells me that when they see the challenges you face, that family member has a strong response to it and doesn’t know how to handle that response. Honestly, I think the family member who forward the e-mail on to you is as much in the wrong as anyone. What could possibly be achieved by you reading this?! What that family member said was wrong – but it wasn’t said to you to hurt you. If it still burns in your heart it is probably best to send a short note saying that you saw the e-mail and you were hurt, that you do try not to make the difficulties you face an issue at family events and if there is a problem you’d rather be addressed directly than have people talk behind your back. It is always difficult to manage this type of thing, prayers in your direction!
You know Jess, interestingly enough all of us were together yesterday and I brought up some current issues that we’re having with Jack…and I think I may have seen a lightbulb go off over their head!
Thanks for the prayers…I could sure use them!
Oh girl, that stings. What do you feel led to do about it? Is that person a close enough family member to put the work in? If not, I say just take care of your own heart. Schedule a little time to punch a pillow, scream in your closet, write an angry response and shred the paper instead of sending it, and …let it go (for your own peace and healing).
You’re right Laurie…I’ve sort of let myself simmer down and I feel more like it’s their issue..(not dealing well/denial) than it is mine. And I have to make this better..I really do. Smooches…I’ve missed you tons. We haven’t gotten caught up in Forever!
My very best advice: do not confront. It becomes a situation where no-one wins and it creates a rift that goes beyond the two of you, potentially.
Let us know what happens, please?
Instead, get prayed up, go to the event, and find some time to sit down face-to-face with her and ask her question after question about HER and how she is. (She may be jealous of you. She may be in some kind of pain and need.) Love her, as best you can (show kindness and in this way heap burning coals on her head… Proverbs?) and prove her wrong by making her the center of attention. You will have shown who you really are, in a beautiful way. That is much better than showing the profound wound she just gave you. People usually turn away from bloody messes. Take your true feelings where they are safe… Not to her.
Afterwards, pray through what happened. You will feel much better than if you just bit your lip, or just confronted her. And if it doesn’t go well, call me. I will go rip her a new one, in the nicest possible way.
Oh yeah, and the one who shared this nasty info with you? She really needs a bit of friendly confrontation… She could have spared you all kinds of pain by KEEEPING HER MOUTH SHUT, in my opinion.
Lynn..
xoxo
That is more or less EXACTLY what I did. I went. I showered her with attention and love, and I came home with my head high. I really feel like it’s a lack of understanding/fear that is the underlying problem. But this too will pass…
I agree with the advice to create some space. Unfortunately even family members don’t always get the struggles you go through. More often an excuse will be made for the poor comment, but no change in behavior will occur. Keep your circle of close family and friends dear to you and move forward without an extra thought. No one needs the extra stress!
I should print this off, frame it, and place it next to my bed! Perfect advice!
What I want to know is why on earth ‘Family member A’ would even show you that email??! That was very insensitive in my opinion….
As for ‘FM B’, ignore her/him…ultimately, it doesn’t matter what he/she or anyone thinks of you! Just continue doing a great job caring for your child…
Thanks Kimmy… (A is my sibling!!!) HA!
Ouch! I’ve been the subject of relative-to-relative back talk (relatives who don’t approve of the way I live my life) and it hurts until I address it. Once I’ve stood up for myself I can let it go. I approach it much the way I do when it’s a stranger. I directly, politely and accurately tell it like it is… after quickly assessing the situation. First, I do the self-examination to make sure I’m not guilty of the accusation (you’ve already done that). Then, I look at their motivation: maybe they’re guilty that their life is so easy in comparison. Or, maybe they want some sympathy but can’t complain given your situation. Point is, it’s not really about you at all. Finally, will addressing it get the person who shared it with you in trouble? If yes, I might bide my time and watch for an opportunity to have an “I have this friend whose life is hard, and someone close to her said something mean behind her back and it just destroyed her… Can you believe that?” kind of conversation with the culprit.
But, I would definitely address it. It may not resolve their issues but you’ll feel better having advocated calmly and professionally for yourself. (Sorry so long-winded.)
Maggie, that’s almost exactly what I did! I think, in this case, it’s fear of the unknown that is the culprit behind it all. But after a pretty in depth conversation, I swear…I saw a lightbulb appear!
(you’re not long winded…I appreciate it!)
This really stinks. I really don’t know what my response would be if I were in a similar situation.
I do know that I would really like my family/friends to understand that life with a child with autism is hard. Hard enough that a little TLC is often called for. I certainly don’t want them to think my life is harder than their’s. It is different. Not better. Not worse. Just different.
There are lots of things that others will never truly understand without experiencing them as we have as parents. That is OK with me. I don’t want them to think of Luke as being any less than any other child.
I think you hit it right on the head Janet…I don’t think of my life as hard. I think of it as orange. Most people have worlds that are black or white…and mine is orange. It’s louder and more harsh on some days…but it can also be warm and light.
xo
Heather
Hugs and lots of virtual wine and warm bubble baths. This is tough. I have had inlaw and friend type hassle. I tried to explain and sadly they weren’t prepared to listen.
With all that has recently happened in your world my feeling is to give yourself space. I think much of this boils down to the down to don’t judge till you walk in my footsteps.. I agree with Janet it s just that this world is different. Few can really understand this.
Everyone has shared good ideas with you.
Take care.
Peace
Thanks girlfriend…I need some space. Some down time. I’m tired!
(happily accepting wine and bubble bath… ) xo