Want to connect with other special needs families? Come join the conversation at March 9, 2009
How much should you encourage other kids to play with your child?
The scene: Saturday morning. It is 70 degrees and gorgeous outside. Max and I are roaming around, and see two little boys on our block with their Razor scooters. Max is so excited to see them, he loves other kids and anything with wheels. He runs over.
"Hi!" he says, and smiles.
The boys look at him.
"He likes your Razors," I explain, speaking the words Max cannot say.
Max taps one of the Razors with his hand and giggles.
"He'd love if you gave him a high five," I tell one of the boys (the other has scooted away).
The child gives Max a combo high five/smack on the shoulder, which cracks Max up. Then the kid scoots away, too.
Max trots after them as I stand there wondering if I should have just shut up and let him interact with the kids in his own way, instead of being his mouthpiece. If I continuously speak for him, he will never learn to interact with kids in his own way, and they will never learn to accept him as his own person. Speaking for him also infantilizes him. Thing is, if I don't intervene, kids tend to ignore him. The photo above was taken at our annual block party. There were dozens of kids there. Max ended up playing with the bubbles by himself. He had a blast but, still, he was playing alone. It broke my heart just a little.
We have a communication device, a Dynavox, which we really should bring out with us more often, as it would enable him to punch a button and tell kids things like "That's cool!"
It's a constant struggle in my head: How much should I intervene between Max and other kids.
Do you pave the way for interactions between your child and typically-developing kids, too?
Ellen blogs daily over at To The Max.
Filed under Blog by
Comments on How much should you encourage other kids to play with your child? »
Trish @ 11:21 pm
I totally relate to what you are saying and have had trouble not crossing the line on this one. The darn thing keeps moving! At this point, I find myself more often prompting Michael than addressing the other kids, but even then I sometimes feel like I am being too protective.
In one way, I do think you answered your own question at the end of the post when you mentioned the Dynavox. If that is his current means of communication, then he should have access to it at all times and be encouraged to use it. I don't say that to be harsh, but to encourage you not to let anything or anyone make you feel like you shouldn't be bringing it into different situations. Giving him the power to communicate is one of the best things you can do for him.
Bethany ( The X Mom ) @ 11:26 pm
Both of my children are verbal, but interaction with peers is still difficult. My oldest Jeremy (FX, ADHD, ASD ) is 5 and often uses words and phrases out of context which confuses his peers. So I find myself intervening and coaching Jeremy in the right direction.
Barbara @ 9:32 am
I think that kind of interpretive mothering is normal for lots of circumstances. The scenario you described was sweet and helped the boy who stayed understand Max better. Plus Max was encouraged by the short interaction. Consider thinking less in terms of "never" as a result of any choices you make. Like Trish said, "The darn thing keeps moving!" Or, parenting is a constant judgment call. You might think more in terms of patterns or habits – use the Dynavox regularly, but on occasion when you do not have it, adapt – as you did in this situation.
He looks great in that photo.
Tammy and Parker @ 12:16 pm
I don't know what it is about Parker, but he is a kid magnet. He sticks out the skinny little fist and nobody can resist coming over and giving him some 'stones'. (Rocks?)
But then again he is so little that the older kids think he is still a baby. That could make a difference too.
We've only had kids over for Parker a couple of times. But he was happy to just quietly play next to them.
I'm sure as time goes on and Parker gets older things will be different.
Ecki @ 2:37 pm
My almost 5 year old daughter Kayla has Down syndrome and autism and is nonverbal. She attends an integrated PreK class, mostly typical kids. Last weekend she attended her first birthday party for a classmate.
It was painful to watch. While her classmates did greet her, they didn't include her, not that Kayla even wanted to be included. She spent the whole time in a corner stimming with a party hat.
I realized that Kayla will likely never be able to interact on the same level as her typical peers so there's not really any point in trying to force the issue. And that broke my heart.
Ellen S. @ 4:26 pm
I know, Ecki, it can be heartbreaking. I think the best we can do, as the consensus here seems to be, is use our judgment to facilitate interactions with other kids without totally stepping on our children's toes.
Tammy, Parker's got that kid-magnet smile!
Checking In With The Sisters! @ 10:23 am
[...] parks, this is something that most parents will be faced with. You can read Ellen's story, How much should you encourage other kids to play with your child?, and other great stories at 5 Minutes for Special Needs. Are you as confused as I am about the [...]
Susan (5 minutes for mom) @ 6:34 pm
Being a mom and watching our children navigate social situations can be so heart breaking.Since I don't have children of my own with special needs I don't have any experience or advice to offer…
But as always with this site it is so good for moms of typically developing kids to learn more about how we can help bridge these gaps. For instance, I want to teach my girls the importance in reaching out to other children who may not be have anyone to play with.