Loved by Both

My Dearest Ashley,

Your birthmother and I shared emails again today. She is worried about you and your upcoming surgery and wishes she could be there for you. I know without a doubt that you will be in her thoughts and prayers that day as you are every day.

I know she misses you and wishes her life could have played out differently with you. Sometimes things are beyond our control regardless of what the doctors or counselors say. Sometimes our families don’t understand the demons we hide from or our reasons for deciding to battle those demons. We can’t always explain our choices to others because we don’t even understand them ourselves. We wish harder than we have ever wished for anything that we could go back and make better choices, and the fact that we can’t makes us even sadder. However, I believe all mothers, any mother, has the strength to battle that sadness. But we sometimes have to dig to our very core to find that strength.

I believe your birthmother has that strength. I believe she wants the very best for you while wishing you could still be with her. I believe she knows that you are meant to be with me and that I am making a wonderful life for you. I believe she knows I love you more than life itself and that I will always do whatever I can to keep you happy and healthy.

Although she gave birth to you, I feel as if you came from my body. I know you came from my heart. I know we were meant to be and always will be. I feel your love and I know you feel mine. Because of that, I have no fear of bringing you back together with your birth mother. I wish all adoptive families could feel that way.

Deborah can be found writing here at 5MFSN every Sunday and Wednesday, and can also be found at Pipecleaner Dreams.

In addition to her job as a computer engineer and her single parent responsibilities, Deborah is president of a state-wide family support group for families whose lives are touched by deafblindness, and is a tireless advocate for all people with disabilities. She writes at Pipe Cleaner Dreams and her writing has also been featured in local magazines and newspapers. Ashley’s story has also been chronicled in a book by Jonathan Mooney titled Short Bus Stories.

Deborah

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