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The Problem Isn't Really The Problem
Don't get me wrong, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome presents itself in the form of many problems for my son and our family. But sometimes, well, sometimes the problem isn't really the problem.
We are a homeschool family and over the past year we have not seemed to accomplish much. It was decided that Lee was the problem…that his severe ADHD and impulsiveness due to FAS had escalated and was wrecking all attempts at learning no matter how loosely organized.
It was decided that Lee had to be removed from our home during school hours so that his brothers could learn at home, and he could learn in public school.
So I listened to the advice of family, friends, experts…my husband…and enrolled Lee in public school. He was not put into general ed classes. My husband and I went to the necessary special education eligibility and IEP meetings. We jumped through hoops. We made demands. Lee was placed into small, contained classes, but still he had to change from room to room….subject to subject…teacher to teacher. He was expected to learn their way.
And I cried for two weeks. I knew it wasn't the answer.
Looking into the eyes of my son as he left home each morning I saw the altered personality…the lostness…the confused child who was trying so hard because his parents said this was best for him. When I picked him up each afternoon, a deflated teenager climbed into the car with very little to say.
I realized…
The problem wasn't really the problem. The problem was within us…his parents.
Somewhere along the line we had begun to view our son's inability to conform to certain behaviors as willful disobedience. We were seeing his inability to focus and complete school work as laziness and unwillingness to try. We were expecting of him what he could not give. We were inflexible.
We had begun to view our son through the eyes of the world. The world expects him to behave and learn in the typically accepted manner…except he can't…and we are suppose to know better. Yet through the exhaustion, frustration and stress involved in parenting a child with FAS, we almost gave up on him…much like the world which does not understand him.
But I understand him. I love him. And he's again under a blanket of love…
And we are a homeschool family…all of us…again.
This parenting gig is pretty much learn-as-you-go. You gotta live and learn, and sometimes you crash and burn…and we have to share our stories in order to offer support, insight and inspiration…okay?
Melody can be found at 5M4SN and at Slurping Life sharing photos and a few words from her special life.
Filed under Blog, Dealing With Public Perceptions, Melody, homeschool by
Comments on The Problem Isn't Really The Problem »
jennifergg @ 12:04 pm
Thank you for this, Melody. I sometimes think the grass is greener on the other side (as in, I should send one/some combination of my children to public school, because it might be best…) but then I try to remember that even on the bad days, we get so many things right, at home.
Glad you are through this experience, and wiser for it…and thank you for helping me reevaluate, and learn, too.
xo
Deanna @ 12:16 pm
Thanks for this post.
It is so very true…The problem isn't really the problem. So many times we have done as you described. Asked something of our son as we would expect from his siblings only to see him fail because he does not have the same resources as others do to be successful. He is successful but in his own doing not in the doing as society seems to see as the "correct" or "best way".
Thanks for the reminder.
Trish @ 12:17 pm
I think that is one of the easiest traps to fall into, and I find myself responding to Michael that way much more often than I would like. Please don't beat yourself up over it; just be glad you were able to listen to your heart and fix the problem.
Thanks for the reminder to give our children understanding as well as expectations.
Lisa @ 1:49 pm
Well kudos to you. As a mom of a child with FASD..or ARND *as he has been diagnosed* I understand . As for home schooling..I could never ever do it…for any of my six. God bless
Karin @ 6:47 pm
Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing this story and what you learned along the way.
rickismom @ 8:31 pm
unfortunately though, sometimes one parent can be really off, and THAT presents a BIG problem……
Barbara @ 9:52 pm
I felt much better, too, seeing him blanketed in your love.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) @ 3:35 am
Melody, I am so happy to hear that you've worked this out.
What a fabulous photo! I love it!!!
Donna Blessed Nest @ 11:18 am
oh a snuggle bug! He looks so peaceful. So glad you worked through it and can share with others! What an experience.
Stacey @ 1:15 pm
I really like reading this post and hearing the honesty that goes with it–
I have also found my self –changing how I interact with the kids — if I give Shane more time — I have better results–
and my focus is the results– maybe one day… he will do more himself — but for now I want him to be valued for what he can achieve.
Motherhood isn't easy,
but do we,
as Mothers…
always have to learn
and re-learn these lesssons?
Julie @ 8:25 am
Melody, you made me cry into my coffee with this post! Our situation is a little bit different, but in homeschooling my son with Autism I see the viewing him with the eyes of the world is a constant danger. I agree with you that this parenting thing is learn-as-you-go…and that is HARD! Thank you for sharing your story and being an inspiration. I keep thinking about a post you wrote awhile ago about having to be a "mean mommy". (I should go find it) I feel like I'm going through all of that right now. I have to be tough, but in the end, it's what's best…
arizaphale @ 7:39 am
I see how hard it is for pretty normal teenagers of 13+ to conform to expectations for schooling. I firmly believe that from 13-15 all children should be sent to boot camp in the desert or jungle and allowed to figure themselves out. It is not a time for academic learning, it is a time for learning about who you are and how you fit into the scheme of things. About peers and social acceptance and solving relationship problems. How much brain and emotional space is left for processing academia when all that other stuff is on your plate? It is the toughest gig of all I believe.
Danette @ 10:17 pm
"You gotta live and learn, and sometimes you crash and burn…"
This is so true, I know I've had my share of crash & burn incidents (maybe more than my share? I don't know). Thanks so much for sharing your perspective and your experiences.
Heather L @ 10:50 pm
We have out yearly evaluation coming up in two weeks. I am crawling out of the self doubt pit. As I look over the year I calm down and realize that we have learned so much this year.
God bless!
Heather L